Better Excuses to Avoid Blame and Shirk Responsibility
Excited anticipation; that’s the only way to describe a certain hour of television during my early college year.
I would rush home after classes every weekday, prepare a late lunch, find a comfortable seat, and intently watch my favorite Soap Opera.
As the theme song plays, an hourglass comes to view, rotating before blue skies, and distant mountains; “Like sand through the hourglass, so are The Days of Our Lives.”
I dedicated two years of my life watching this show actually expecting a resolution. Bizarre plot points just dragged on endlessly, only to be replaced by something equally if not more absurd.
Some pretty wacky shit would happen, and the audience — myself included — would just accept it and continue watching.
Someone’s long lost twin would randomly shows up; sure.
Routine evil, demonic possession; ok.
A character transforming into a wild animal; why not.
Time travel, clones, doppelgangers, aliens; yes, yes, yes, and hell yes.
While daytime Soaps are relics of a bygone era, lessons contained within don’t have to be.
Resurrecting some common themes can help you when you forget an assignment, miss a day of work, forget to pick up groceries, or worse, your kids!
Sometimes, all we want is a little guilt-free down time; and the only way to get it might be better excuses.
When singer Shaggy, attempted his now infamous “it wasn’t me” defense, not only was it a hit song, but the theme for a Super Bowl commercial in 2021.
(My girl just caught me) You let her catch you?
(I don’t know how I let this happen) With who?
(The girl next door, you know) Man
(I don’t know what to do) Say it wasn’t you — Shaggy
While “it wasn’t me” may work once, maybe twice, it will quickly lose potency.
You’ll need the Soap Opera playbook.
I’m not talking conventional excuses either, I’m suggesting reimagining some long forgotten classics!
You can start with the basics.
Coworker: Were you asleep during the Zoom meeting today?
You: God no, I just brainstorm in other states of consciousness.
Then move on to more complicated naritavies.
Coworker: Have you been using my non-dairy creamer? it’s empty.
You: I keep telling him not to come to my job!
You: My twin, ever since he found me, he’s been destroying my life!
Why stop at work? The applications are endless.
Partner: Did you forget to pick up the kids from soccer?
You: I showed up, and no one was there!
You: I’ll be back. Aliens must have shielded the field, again.
Look, as your popularity and fame increase, so too will accusations from colleagues, trolls, current and former lovers, neighbors, you get the idea.
Because as the old adage goes: “Haters gonna hate!”
As if haters weren’t enough, there’s also the guilt associated with feeling less productive while others constantly sound the productivity megaphone.
“No excuses!”, “Get things done!”, “No pain, no gain”, and on and on.
I know the self-help gurus out there are beside themselves, but even they have to acquiesce to such a powerful approach.
Who can argue with: “I would have been here sooner, but the exorcism took longer than anticipated.”
Be as vague as possible. Where you possessed, was it someone else, who knows and who even wants to ask.
While such a statement may have turned heads previously, with the increasing popularity of QAnon, this seems well within reason.
So don’t hesitate, prepare your excuses today!