SATIRE

Crummy Biscuits

The Biscuit Collection to Give to your Frenemy

Sarah Totton
Jul 9, 2020 · 3 min read
Photo by Tanaphong Toochinda at Unsplash

Tub-Chunkba-Wamba: The biscuit that won’t stay down. Like that potato salad you brought to my housewarming party, Karen.

Goreos: A generous dollop of entrails sandwiched between two blood-soaked wafers. For anyone who’s ever yucked someone else’s yum. Like when you told everyone the ending of The Sixth Sense after we’d all bought our tickets, Karen.

Snickerdoohickies: Like that chili you served at my bachelorette party that you said you put “just a dash of hot sauce” into, Karen. We’re not sure what these biscuits are, but there’s cinnamon. Wait, is it cinnamon or just a dash of ipecac? You tell us, Karen.

Hobsnobs: You like to tell us how you’re better than we are. Well, these biscuits are better than you.

Indigestive Biscuits: What it says on the tin. You don’t really read the tin, do you, Karen? Like that time you gave chocolate-covered peanuts to your sister-in-law with the nut allergy.

Speculams: We know where they’ve been. You know where they go. If you don’t, we can show you.

Gingersnoops: Implanted with a listening device? Who could say. Remember that time you eavesdropped on Kim’s boyfriend proposing to her and then told everybody before they could, Karen?

Man Fingers: They’re bigger than Lady Fingers, and they’ll put hair on your hands. Soon, you’ll have more to show off than just your expensive manicures, Karen.

Rhusk: It’s what’s left over after a Man Finger pupates. Waste not, want not, Karen. Isn’t that what you told me in college when you refused to empty your rotting food out of our shared fridge?

Misfortune Cookies: You’ll be sorry. You’re not the only one who gets premonitions, Karen.

Fig Teslas: Like Fig Newtons, but with more realistic hair. You’re obsessed with realistic hair, aren’t you, Karen? Remember that time you kept insisting to Tanesha that she needed a better weave?

Pfeffernoogie: Are you feeling frisky, Karen? Like that time you slept with Kim’s fiancé? Well, this biscuit will hit the spot, like knuckles to your noggin.

S’mears: Do you like graham crackers? Marshmallows? Chocolate? How about mashed together and rubbed all over a bear? Reminds me of that time you spread peanut butter on the door of Wendy’s cabin at summer camp. Remember, Karen?

Spritz Dolehouse: “Butterscotch” is sprayed over the surface of this succulent cookie like your sneeze on my wedding dress, Karen.

Rodeos: You find them around horses. They’re brown. Let’s say they’re chocolate, Karen. The way you said I was having a shotgun wedding.

Oozegoods: Bursts open at the slightest touch. Say “Yes” to the mess, Karen, just like you did when you got drunk at my wedding and stomped all over the cake.

Crumby Days: Are you having one? Have one. Then you’ll have one. We think you deserve one.

Pompeii Bombastix: We suggest you put 911 on speed-dial, Karen, because your friends are not coming to your aid at this point.

Antisocial Tea Biscuits: F— k off, Karen.

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Sarah Totton

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Sarah Totton writes comedy and snorgles small mammals. She once gave a reading on a flatbed truck at a garden center to an audience of three ferns.

MuddyUm

Bootleg Humor Since 1720

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