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Dead Presumptive President Elect 2024

President Nixon Responds to Trump’s Phone Call

Photo by Greg Bulla on Unsplash

January 4th, 2021

Good evening.

This is the first time I have spoken to you since my death in 1994. If it were up to me, I would be speaking to you from the Oval Office, where important matters of national interest are made and delivered. I do not have that luxury now, since I have been dead for 26 years. But I can no longer stay silent.

In all the decisions I have made in my public life, I have always tried to do what was best for the Nation. Throughout the long and difficult period of Watergate, I have felt it was my duty to persevere, to make every possible effort to complete the term of office to which you elected me.

In the past few days, however, it has become evident to me that I could have, and indeed, should have remained in office for as long as I pleased. The actions of President Trump over the past several years and, in particular, several hours prove to me that anything is possible as President of the United States. Be it finding 11,780 votes or refusing to concede the election, I was clearly naive as to just how far the moral fabric of this country can be stretched. President Trump has been able to achieve glorious things with an obvious minority in terms of support. His MAGA followers and Republicans in Congress prove the President can and should push the limits of the Oval Office no matter the millions upon millions of votes cast against him. President Trump has created a destabilizing precedent for every future president and it is one I admire greatly.

With his diminishing base and the GOP’s rejection of norms, I now believe the constitution to be in need of updates, and such revisions would ensure my ongoing Presidency. Death cannot rob any us of our duty to the Nation. The interest of the Nation must always come before any personal considerations and President Trump shows us this miracle time and time again.

I have had many discussions with Congressional and other leaders, both dead and alive. My spectral visitations have led me to the conclusion that, because of the Watergate matter, I might not have the necessary support of the Congress to back the very difficult decisions to carry out the interests of the Nation. But I don’t care anymore. I want to be President again.

I have never been a quitter and I do not intend to let death make me one now. To have left office before my term was completed was and remains abhorrent to every instinct in my corpse. Therefore, I am elated to announce my candidacy for President of the United States in 2024.

This is a fight that I must take. I have much unfinished business with both the living and the dead. In this new GOP that abhors any and all norms, and with the full support of OANN, I see a path toward resounding victory. You already elected me twice. Surely, you can deliver for the Nation a third time.

Therefore, I shall resign my role as “Dead, Ex-President” effective at noon tomorrow. I will hereby and hereto refer to myself as “Dead, Presumptive President-Elect 2024” from this point forward. I look forward to Ted Cruz’s unconditional support, even though his wife is not pleasing to look at. This new title, more than anything I now realize, is what I hoped to achieve when I first sought the Presidency. This, more than anything, is what I hope will be my enduring (and preferably endless) legacy to you, to our country, and, most importantly, to myself.

To have served in this office is to have felt a very personal sense of kinship with each and every American. In returning to it, I do so with this prayer: May God’s (or my more immediate associate’s) grace be with you, but more importantly, with me in all the days ahead.

NOTE: The Dead, Presumptive President-Elect spoke at 2:39 p.m. in their Tomb. The address was broadcast live on OANN.

Ben Stasny is a graduate student at The University of Colorado — Boulder. He writes, acts, directs, and makes mischief of all sorts.

Samuel Jaye Tanner is a professor in the Penn State system, a writer of some (mostly ill) repute, an improviser, and an altogether terrible basketball player.

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Samuel Jaye Tanner

Samuel Jaye Tanner

Writer, teacher, professor, improviser. Some stuff is serious. Some is not. Can you guess which is which? Oh, there’s this too: https://samjtanner.com/