Ah, ’tis the season for yule logs, candy canes, and ugly holiday sweaters. Wait, is ugly and holiday redundant? Have you ever actually seen a pretty Christmas sweater outside the 1980's? Well, regardless of whether you are pro-sweater or anti-sweater, here are a few you won’t be able to resist during Christmannukwanzzamadan this year!
The gluttony sweater
Yes, we know, Christmas only comes once a year. Unfortunately, atrial defibrillation comes when you least expect it. Be prepared for a stylish trip to the ER this year with our special edition Gluttony Sweater, complete with an array of Christmas-only treats, a lot of spandex, and a pocket to hide those extra crescent rolls. Hey, hospital food is gross, man!
The non-union transportation worker sweater
This uniquely crafted cardigan features Santa squaring off with the Ghost of Jimmy Hoffa as the reindeer finally fight unfair hiring practices and OSHA safety violations. Junior may not get that bicycle delivered down the chimney this year, but at least he can rest easy knowing that Rudolph can claim that drunken sprained ankle on workman’s comp.
The happy holidays sweater
This sweater only comes in plus sizes. That’s because it takes a lot of yarn to represent every conceivable holiday and tradition observed during the month of December. However, if you’re a cashier, you can enjoy watching people’s faces turn red as you show them the courtesy of an inclusive greeting, thereby hurting the feelings of baby Jesus.
The Frozen XIV sweater
Get in on the action early with this pre-release Frozen IV sweater. It features the futuristic alien snowmen that Elsa will battle in the 2034 sequel, along with new tunes sung By Anna and Olaf featuring Keith Richards on guitar. Yes, he’ll still be alive!
The fruitcake sweater
This densely woven wool sweater is colorless, tasteless, and weighs 18 pounds. And if you give it to a friend, they can keep it in the tops of the closet and give it to someone else next year. It’s a great way to keep paying it forward…forever.
So there you have it. Order your sweater now! Additional shipping charges may apply for the fruitcake sweater.
Laurie is a writer, musician, and instructional designer. She’s also the funniest person she knows, though her husband may disagree. Here’s some more of her work to make you laugh or do an eye-roll: