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Honey Badgers for Hire

House of Rep hecklers will work for food

Photo by MART PRODUCTION from Pexels

These last few years, many of us came to realize how much we’ve taken food service workers for granted. Hopefully, we’re beginning to recognize and appreciate how much we depend on these front-line heroes for crucial, everyday needs.

While we all stayed home, they risked their well-being — their very lives — to prepare and deliver our meals. In some cases, delivery personnel brought life-saving equipment and supplies to our doors when we weren’t able to move about freely.

Now, as the world opens up again, restaurants struggle to fill roles like server, cashier, and line cook, among many others. Their particular skill sets — grace under pressure, endurance, patience — are in short supply and high demand.

And then there are people like you, who say —

“Fuck all that shit what about me!? What about my needs?”

Well, now we have an answer.

Fresh off heckling President Biden during his State of the Union address, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert are now taking that act on the road!

You’ve seen plenty of Karen videos on TikTok, Twitter, and Facebook. Ordinary, misunderstood individuals like you denied service or ridiculed for refusing to wear a mask. Humble, hardworking folk pilloried because they insulted low-wage workers who had the audacity to ask if everything was ok with their meal.

“What? No, everything is not ok with my meal. In fact, it tastes like undercooked dog food. Send it back!’”

You tried saying that, but it didn’t have the lacerating, soul-crushing impact you hoped it would.

image by author and AP

Boebert and MTG heroically stood up in their seats and harangued a 79-year-old man as he was eulogizing his fallen son in front of the nation and the world. They were like Mean Girls shouting down the principal at a middle school pep rally. And let’s just say — we noticed!

Who could forget the two congresswomen rising to their feet and chanting —

Build the Wall! Build the Wall!

Imagine having those two riding shotgun when that pimply teenager behind the counter has the gall to ask what size meal combo you want —

“Large Not Small! Large Not Small!”

Sure, you could scream that yourself, but imagine how intimidating it would sound with those two succubi at your side. Check, please!

What about that time some smug kid working double shifts to pay for college had the nerve to ask, “Are you finished with that, ma’am, or would you like me to wrap it up for you?”

What? Was she trying to rush you out of the restaurant to make room for some fancy elites? Don’t you wish you had a chorus of hectoring hellcats in your corner to yell —

“Wrap it Up! Wrap it Up!

Look no further than the GOP’s junior representatives from Georgia and Colorado — Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert!

Their moronic taunts are battle-tested and ready to go! They never miss an opportunity to inject knee-jerk word vomit into situations that require reasoning, nuance, or the ability to simply sit quietly while grown-ass people are talking.

Why not apply their superpower to your everyday human interactions. Empathy? Understanding? Common courtesy? Psssh! Suck on this, snowflake! Boebert and MTG are here to show you — show them! — how it’s done.

Do you need Marbert to appear at your local — beauty pageant, hockey game, bar brawl, hoedown, church fair, Oathkeepers Weiner Roast, Guns N’ Jesus TED Talk, Planned Parenthood protest, Piggly Wiggly, Fuddruckers, Waffle House, Walmart, White House insurrection, white power rally? The good news is, they’re already there. So why not put ’em to work? For you!

Boebert, MTG, and you.

Alone you’re just a nuisance. Together you’re unstoppable!

Hire them today!

Thanks and h/t to Amy Sea!

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Colm Clark

Colm Clark

Confounding the algorithms since 1891. Making music as Crush Limbo (https://crushlimbo.bandcamp.com/) since AD 1231