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Antisemitic Food Reviews

I, Kyrie Irving, Review Arby’s New Country-Style Rib Sandwich

Get It Now, Before The Jews Ban It

People are raving about Arby’s new country-style rib sandwich. Is the hype for real, or is everyone making a mountain out of a molehill, like with all the moaning and groaning about the Holocaust? To find out, I stopped by my local Arby’s.

Before ordering, I scoped the place out. Pork on the menu is always a good sign that a restaurant isn’t under Zionist control, but when you’re a man who is paid $136 million to play a game but still believes he is being oppressed by a shadowy cabal, you can never be too cautious.

I thoroughly searched the dining area for copies of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, which everyone knows is lying around anywhere Jews congregate. Fortunately, the only written material I found was a list of nutritional “facts” about Arby’s food — which would be quite alarming if true, but I assume they’re made up, like the so-called “fact” that the Earth is round.

I ordered my sandwich and it arrived piping hot in its paper wrapper. Unlike the moon landing, there was no faking the delightful aroma of savory pork and tangy barbeque sauce wafting from my meal. I ripped it open and took a big bite.

First impression: when it comes to succulent ribs, Arby’s knocked it out of the park. The pork is slightly crispy on the outside, tender on the inside, and bursting with flavor. It’s wonderful and almost sinfully appealing, sort of like listening to recordings of Charles Coughlin’s radio show.

Second impression: c’mon, Arby’s, this pork deserves better! The supporting ingredients don’t do the ribs justice, starting with the too-soft, flavorless buns. The bread absorbs far too much barbeque sauce, becoming a mushy, falling-apart mess. I don’t condone eating spit-roasted babies, the way the Jews do, but if I had a choice between babies and these buns, it would be a closer call than I’d like to admit.

Then there’s that barbeque sauce. Yes, it ends up permeating the buns, but it’s also too bold, threatening to overpower the main ingredient. Arby’s should have chosen a more subtle sauce, just like Duke University has become quite subtle about acknowledging that I’m an alum.

The worst offender, though, was the crispy onions. The onions were undercooked and distracted from the sandwich’s overall flavor profile, much as the Jews employ nefarious media companies to distract the public from the fact that the world’s entire financial system is controlled by hook-nosed Semitic bankers who spend all their waking hours in counting-houses gleefully rubbing their hands together over piles of ill-gotten gold coins. (Yes, Jews look much like evil leprechauns, which is why you’ll never see me doing a food review of Lucky Charms).

I wanted to love everything about this sandwich, but I have to give it just three stars out of five. Still, you should rush to Arby’s and get it now, because unlike COVID vaccines and — I’m pretty sure — Panda Express Orange Chicken, the Jewish-controlled Trilateral Commission has not yet inserted micro-transmitters in the Country-Style Rib Sandwich.

Stay tuned for my next food review, when I try the new McDonald’s Cheese Danish and answer the question you’ve undoubtedly been asking — how can you trust this Cheese Danish when Nazi-occupied Denmark refused to honor so many of Hitler’s polite, Jewish-related requests?

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Steven Koprince

Writer, pickleball enthusiast and recovering lawyer. Humor in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, etc. Opinions are mine but should be everyone’s.