Satire

If Naruto Existed in The Real World

With his shadow clones, he can do your dishes, clean your house, clean the bathroom, and cook all at the same time

Ryan Fan
Ryan Fan
Jul 24, 2020 · 2 min read
From cocamert on Flickr

If Naruto existed in real life, he would be labeled a terrorist organization very quickly. Think about it — the man can make a million clones of himself and take over a whole country.

And when he gets mad, sometimes he can’t control the fact that he has a supernatural demon inside of him. If you hurt one of his friends, you can rest assured that he’s going to kill you.

If Naruto existed in real life, he would try to change the world. He would talk the most brutal dictators, like Assad, Kim Jung-Un, and Putin into becoming good people by understanding how they once felt lonely. He would be a catalyst for change, a modern-day Robin Hood, only no government would like him.

Especially because no one can control him.

Naruto’s infectiously positive personality, despite being a socially castigated orphan scapegoated for all his village’s suffering, might change the world. But Naruto is a character in a Japanese anime designed for children. Like it or not, the world is a lot more nuanced than the good and evil Naruto encountered, and Naruto, in his quest for justice, may go overboard.

If Naruto existed in real life, you’d want him as a friend. He would defend you zealously from any harm whatsoever because you mean that much to him. He would be loyal, but to a fault.

In Naruto’s universe, good intentions and willpower solve everything. In the real world, good intentions and willpower are limited. But Naruto has some strong potential to shape things up.

Even if he had all the superhuman powers and unlimited chakra he has in the manga and anime, technology would defeat Naruto. Even though he defies physics, Naruto is a biological superweapon with the nine-tailed fox power inside him, equivalent to that of a nuclear weapon.

It will be Cold War 2.0 between America and Russia to see who Naruto will side with.

And don’t forget about his sexy no jetsu, where Naruto can exploit the perverted tendencies of men all over the world and use the ills of the patriarchy to his own benefit, just by turning into an attractive women. Even the most formidable of men, foiled by notions of toxic masculinity, would fall to Naruto in the real world.

And don’t forget about his shadow clones being able to do your dishes, clean your house, clean the bathroom, and cook all at the same time. If Naruto existed in the real world, he’d have some serious utility.

Thank you to Devon Wells and Susan Brearley for help on this piece!

MuddyUm

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Ryan Fan

Written by

Ryan Fan

Believer, Baltimore City special ed teacher, and 2:40 marathon runner. Diehard fan of “The Wire.” Email: ryanfan17@gmail.com. Support me: ko-fi.com/ryanfan

MuddyUm

MuddyUm

Bootleg Humor Since 1720

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