Humor

Is My Doctor Trying to Cure Me, Or Looking to Party?

“How often do you drink alcohol” is a valid medical question

Bashar Salame
Jan 24 · 3 min read
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Photo by Yilmaz Akin on Unsplash

The first time they meet you, doctors can seem pretty nosey. They’re holding a pen and paper, or typing on a computer, while asking some deeply personal questions.

“How many alcoholic beverages do you consume” or “Are you a smoker?”

This nosey “medical professional” will insist on knowing.

Is this doctor trying to figure out why I’m sick, or looking to score some weed?

Let’s hope the answers are yes and no, in that order; otherwise, consider finding somewhere else for treatment.

While it may seem uncomfortable, or embarrassing, discussing your vices and social life with someone you barely know; rest assured, you do it all day, online, with millions of strangers who are not at all interested in keeping you healthy.

When speaking to your doctor, or while being examined, I would recommend asking questions along the way.

What are you testing for; was that within a normal range; would that activity contribute to the symptoms I’m experiencing; are all relevant questions.

Some questions within a health history are broad and outdated, but most related to drug use, diet, exercise, and sexual activity, can indeed be helpful when assessing a range of conditions.

Interesting answers to those probing questions

  • How many alcoholic beverages do you consume per week?
    Hold on Doc, three times five; plus six times two; what’s the rule for multiplication and addition again?
  • How often are you exercising?
    Does getting out of bed count as a sit-up?
  • Do you smoke?
    Cigarettes? No.
  • How many times a week do you have sex?
    With a partner or on my own?
  • What’s your diet like?
    I’m not on one, should I be?

While those answers are all in the form of questions, they will give your doctor all the information he or she needs.

I recommend a recommendation

Keep in mind, not all questions are appropriate, some things should strike you as odd; an optometrist asking about your sexual activity for example.

Sure, this line of questioning is common for disciplines dealing with general and reproductive health; regardless of what you’ve been told though, masturbation will not cause blindness, and your eye doctor shouldn’t ask about it.

To help find a reputable provider, in any discipline, I would recommend a recommendation. Ask friends and family for names of professionals they’ve had a positive experience with and seen good results. If you know someone in healthcare, a nurse or doctor, they may guide you best.

Health is pretty important, I would argue it is the most important aspect of life. Far too many of us put it off, or avoid seeking care when necessary.

Doctors are just people; some are serious, some are funny, and almost every single one of them strive to do what’s best for their patients.

When you find a good one, do yourself a favor and be honest. They have an amazing internal lie detector, having seen and heard it all. Help them, help you, and tell the truth.

MuddyUm

Bootleg Humor. Since 1720.

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Bashar Salame

Written by

Restoring Health — Enhancing Life Elemental * Ascent * Writing CoOp * http://basharsalame.com/ 1 book / 2 screenplays / Beirut →Detroit

MuddyUm

MuddyUm

Bootleg Humor Since 1720

Bashar Salame

Written by

Restoring Health — Enhancing Life Elemental * Ascent * Writing CoOp * http://basharsalame.com/ 1 book / 2 screenplays / Beirut →Detroit

MuddyUm

MuddyUm

Bootleg Humor Since 1720

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