POLITICAL SATIRE

Kevin McCarthy Undergoes Full Spinal Removal

MAGA medical experts expect fast recovery

Ryan Zaharako
Jan 30 · 2 min read
Photo art by author

Patients suffering from debilitating sycophantitis were offered fresh hope with news that House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy had undergone the first successful ‘full spinal removal’ surgery.

The pioneering treatment —a breakthrough in MAGA medicine —was carried out by a team of amateur surgeons under the supervision of Dr. Stella “Demon Semen” Immanuel at The Mar-a-Lago Club in Palm Beach Florida on Friday.

The congressman’s spine had been rapidly deteriorating since 2016 due to a rare and incurable form of sycophantitis stenosis and suck-up spondylitis that scientists say is becoming alarmingly common among conservatives with preexisting conditions like moral deficiency syndrome.

A spokesperson for Representative McCarthy reported his mobility was improving and he was successfully able to kneel before former President Trump during their post-surgery meeting. Physical therapists are cautiously optimistic that he will have full genuflection abilities within the month.

Although spinal transplants have been carried out since 2007, this is the first time doctors have reported removing an entire humanoid spine without a replacement. Maine Senator Susan Collins underwent a similar surgery in 2018 but doctors were able to replace her degraded spine with thousands of pipe cleaners twisted together to support her desiccated body mass.

In lieu of a false vertebrae, the novice surgeons filled the congressman’s empty, dead, soulless cavity with lime Jello. “Doctors” are cautiously optimistic that Rep. McCarthy will not need corrective surgery as long as he refrains from strenuous activity such as reprimanding QAnon colleagues, disagreeing with disgraced ex-presidents, or voting yea on legislation.

Head amateur surgeon Dick McGillacutty expressed concern about the complete degeneration of McCarthy’s soul, but admitted metaphysical matters were further out of his area of expertise than medicine.

“Look the guy’s missing a damn spine. He might be devoid of soul too, what the hell do I know? But it’s gonna be a helluva long recovery with absolutely no chance of rehabilitating his legacy,” McGillacutty said.

With further refinements in the experimental surgery, it could be an effective way for MAGA medical practitioners to prove you don’t need fancy book learning or elitist science to successfully treat people with life-threatening diseases or hoax virus infections.

But Dr. Immanuel, who runs the MAGA Center For Anti-Demonic Research, admits, “Even if you have a degree from somewhere like Trump University, a framed document hanging behind your desk gives you instant credibility with 73 million Americans. Especially if you’re from a ‘shithole country.’”

Regardless of Rep. McCarthy’s long-term prognosis, the future of MAGA medicine looks bright. Just last month Congressman Matt Gaetz went under the knife for the first successful excremental brain transplant in which his useless old noodle was replaced with organic cage-free monkey dung.

Sign up for MuddyUm' s The Real Dirt

By MuddyUm

Infecting the World with Humor -- Best of the MuddyUm Humorists  Take a look.

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Ryan Zaharako

Written by

Former active duty Marine (1995–1999) w/ a B.S. in Radio-TV-Film from U of Texas. Award-winning marketing copywriter, & top writer in Satire, Humor, & Politics.

MuddyUm

MuddyUm

Bootleg Humor Since 1720

Ryan Zaharako

Written by

Former active duty Marine (1995–1999) w/ a B.S. in Radio-TV-Film from U of Texas. Award-winning marketing copywriter, & top writer in Satire, Humor, & Politics.

MuddyUm

MuddyUm

Bootleg Humor Since 1720

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store