“I did a great job at losing. I lost bigger than anyone has ever seen before. I lost bigly and magnificently. All will tell of me, the fabled loser for years to come. I lost so big and I’m the best at losing.”
Those were the words that rang through the east side of the White House. Only seconds before, the president had falsely claimed that this election was a fraud on the American people and had declared himself the winner, but reporters were baffled by his strange and sudden shift to truthfulness.
“None of us knows what happened,” said one White House correspondent. “The president was on a roll with his usual rants and lies and all of a sudden, he just started doing something he’s never done before. He started telling the truth.”
“When they told me I had to run against an old White guy, I said, you must be joking. I’d do better than anyone has ever seen before against Boot-Edge-Edge. I mean, come on, there’s all kinds of material there.
“Sir, don’t you mean to say that you’re winning this election like no ones ever seen before?” shouted out a reporter from OANN.
“Sit down. Just sit down. That’s a disgusting question, an absolutely disgraceful question. You’re a horrible reporter, fake news. That’s why OANN doesn’t get any ratings. My appearance in the 1999 episode of Sex and the City called “The Man, the Myth, the Viagra” got better ratings than anything on your so-called network. Anyway, did you hear they want to put up a bunch of windmills? It would be windmills, windmills, windmills everywhere. You know windmills cause cancer…”
“You were talking about the election Mr. Lame-Duck President,” called some reporter from the back.
“ You know who else was a lame president? Cheatin’ Obama. I beat him big in 2016. They say I didn’t run against him but I’m pretty sure I did. I have a great memory afterall. I like to say I have a big ah-brain. Just ask my professors at Wharton. Wait, actually don’t ask them. You know I spend tens of thousands of dollars every year to keep my school records hidden. But I bought my bachelor’s degree fair and square. My opponent Sleepy Joe actually worked for his law degree. How dumb is that? Which of us is smarter? Well okay, maybe he is but you know I lost those debates fair and square.”
Chatter began to emerge from several reporters in the room. “What’s with all this truthfulness?”
You know Barack Hussein Obama spied on my campaign, right? Who spies on someone’s campaign just because the officials were meeting with Russian oligarchs? If you’re gonna spy on someone’s campaign, do it for a better reason, like the time I had the prostitutes urinate on the mattress in a Russian hotel. I mean I wish Obama had spied on that. Would have been better than who actually spied on it. I’ll tell you, Putin really has me over the barrel on that one.
One of the baffled reporters said to his colleagues, “Maybe it’s like the movie Liar Liar where the Jim Carrey character’s son wished he would stop lying for 24 hours when he blew out his birthday candles. Does anyone know if it was Barron’s birthday recently?”
“Shut up Bill. No one gets your stupid 90s movie references anyway. This is a political satire piece, not one of your dumb pop culture pieces.”
“Oh that explains it,” said another reporter. We’re stuck in a stupid political satire piece. No wonder.”
“Okay, all of you be quiet. This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to hear this imbecile finally speak some rare truths. Plus, everyone knows the reason his brain blew a fuse is that Fox News called Arizona for Biden.”
“The line of ‘Make America great again,’ the phrase, that was mine, I came up with it about a year ago, and I kept using it, and everybody’s using it, they are all loving it. I don’t know, I guess I should copyright it, maybe I have copyrighted it. Of course, they say Reagan first used it in 1980, so maybe that doesn’t make me first, but who knows. You know they say time is relative but I have absolutely no idea what that means.”
“Mr. President, isn’t saying ‘Make America Great Again,’ the same as saying, ‘even though I was president for four years I failed to make America great and we need to try again?’”
“Yes, thank you. You are a great reporter. You picked up on that, huh? That’s tremendous journalism there, just tremendous. Absolutely tremendous journalism. We had to keep it the same though because it was the absolute greatest slogan, the greatest.”
“Mr. President, have you bothered to come up with a plan to defeat COVID yet, or did you know all along that you stood no chance at being re-elected?”
“COVID, COVID, COVID! That’s all you ever say. I’ve said it was all China’s fault, but really if I didn’t have such blind hate for Nobama I wouldn’t have dismantled his entire…”
Whispers moved through the crowd. One of them was heard saying, “Let’s split. I just heard President-Elect Biden is scheduled to speak soon.”
“I don’t know guys, I think maybe I’ll stay here. When are we ever going to get another chance like this?”
“You stay here,” the C-SPAN reporter answered. “I like listening to presidents who don’t lose.”
“Ouch,” a few clamored in unison as they shuffled out in a dazed stupor, still wondering what came over the lame-duck president as they made plans to watch President-Elect Biden address the nation.