MuddyUm
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MuddyUm

Humor

Larry’s Good Time Grocers

Where All You’ll Catch is A Good Time!

Photo by Daria Volkova on Unsplash

Hi, my name is Bunny Fauci, the granddaughter of American hero Dr. Anthony Fauci. In these turbulent times, the last thing you should be worried about is catching any sort of airborne illness while shopping for groceries. That’s why I, Bunny, am proud to be the spokesperson of Larry’s Goodtime Grocers, the only Fauci-approved shopping experience in the nation.

Nobody should become ill when they’re purchasing pepperoni or buying bulk bolognese pasta. Here at Larry’s, there’s only one rule — follow all the rules. Here’s a few:

  • Triple-masking
  • Stay 6–20 feet away from all other shoppers
  • Wear protective cloth to cover all exposed orifices

Following these rules — and others — will ensure a robust and sanitized shopping experience. And keep Larry off your back.

At Larry’s, we’ve removed all carts to stop the spread of airborne illnesses. So remember to pack your own Larry’s patented cart, on sale now for the low price of $99.95, not including sales tax.

Watch out Zuckerberg! Larry’s on social media now too! So remember to download your “Very Larry’s Good Time Contact Tracing Bonanza” app to sign-in before, during, and far after visiting our stores. You can find great coupons, connect with other shoppers, and have in-depth access to other member’s medical histories.

As my grandfather always says on his way to the lab, “development of a moderately effective vaccine together with optimal implementation of existing treatment and prevention modalities could end the current HIV pandemic.” Larry took Granddad’s words to heart and now the only thing you’ll catch at Larry’s is a good time.

Tell ’em Bunny sent you and get a complimentary dose of Larry’s own vaccine. It’s so efficacious, we’re not allowed to tell you the percent! But we can assure you it’s well over 100!

Ben Stasny is a graduate student at The University of Colorado — Boulder. He writes, acts, directs, and makes mischief of all sorts.

Samuel Jaye Tanner is a professor in the Penn State system, a writer of some (mostly ill) repute, an improviser, and an altogether terrible basketball player.

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Samuel Jaye Tanner

Samuel Jaye Tanner

Writer, teacher, professor, improviser. Some stuff is serious. Some is not. Can you guess which is which? Oh, there’s this too: https://samjtanner.com/