Re-entering The World?
Thanks to vaccines, the world is opening up again. The thought of venturing out to offices and public spaces for face-to-face social gatherings may seem daunting, but here are some ways to help prepare yourself for this transition:
Step 1: Start with a relaxing, industrial-strength cleanse
After a year of social isolation, we understand that you may have metamorphosed into an unrecognizable half-human, half-cave monster. Submerge yourself in a cleansing brew of Magic Eraser and Goo Gone, to excavate ground-in dirt, sweat, and nacho cheese particles that have accumulated on your body and within your crevices from prolonged dormancy.
Step 2: Shed your old skin and overgrown fur
Take care with sharp metal tools that you haven’t used in a while. Split the unibrow into two ideally equal pieces with tweezers. Do not neglect the chin and nostrils. Exfoliate until your skin feels as smooth and soft as a newborn’s butt, using a mixture of acid and 60 grit sandpaper. The palm sander on the feet will feel like a light massage, but best to wear a mask to protect from flying debris.
Step 3: Take your garments out for a test drive
Time to put away your elastic yoga pants, stretchy athleisure, and oversize tees. Ignore the protests from your boobs as you strap them in padded cages. Just like high altitude training, your body will need to get used to less oxygen from diaphragm-compressing Spanx. Relearn how to walk in high heels, but stay clear of staircases and small pets as you may trip, fall, or impale others.
Step 4: Hello, World!
If you can’t suffer through Steps 1–3, no worries. Just get your ass outside. Ditch the heels, put on your comfy sneaks, and head out into the post-pandemic world. After a long period of social distancing, you may have lost your ability to communicate with others through words, so grunts and non-verbal gestures are acceptable. Waving, thumbs up, and middle fingers are all effective ways to get the message across.
And remember, it’s okay if things don’t go perfectly as planned. Transitions take time and practice. Just go easy on yourself and others.
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