SATIRE

Study Shows Reopening Schools Will Miraculously Solve All of Education’s Problems

99.9% of students failing classes will suddenly pass them the moment school reopens

Ryan Fan
Ryan Fan
Jan 23 · 3 min read
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Image for post
Photo by Gabriel Benois on Unsplash

With the highly polarized debate around school reopening still ongoing, researchers at How to Fix American Education have found a miraculous discovery: reopening schools will dramatically solve all of education’s problems, including government funding, bad attendance, school discipline, lackluster test scores, smaller class sizes, and even teacher salaries and retention.

While teachers, administrators, parents, and students have been trying to fix all these problems for the entirety of the American experiment, it turns out all that needs to be done is for schools to reopen. The researchers promised that failing students would suddenly become A students, students who never showed up to school before would suddenly have perfect attendance, and students who had discipline problems in school would suddenly complete all their work, be 100% engaged, and not disrupt the classroom.

In addition, researchers said teacher salaries would go up, as would teacher retention. After all, since some teachers will inevitably die going back to the classroom, the salaries of the dead teachers can be dispersed to the teachers that make it.

Greeted with unbending teachers and staff who refuse to go back due to chronic health conditions, researchers said the vaccine is optional. The pros of returning to the classroom outweigh the cons —principals, teachers, and students will suddenly realize how grateful they were for each others’ daily presence. All the problems schools in America previously faced, including lackluster transportation, out-of-touch curricula and standards, and staff shortages would suddenly be cured.

Test scores will also rise significantly. Instead of parents with no knowledge of the new Common Core standards giving students the answers, teachers will give students answers to allow them to finish tests. The researchers also reported that failure rates across the country will drop significantly once schools reopen. Since school reopening means the country is going back to normal, the education system will force teachers to pass along and promote their students anyway, in accordance with No Child Left Behind. 99.9% of students failing classes will suddenly pass them again.

Not only will student attendance improve, but staff attendance will improve too. Teachers and administrators will no longer have to deal with the challenges of shoddy wi-fi and outages. Now, all students and teachers have to deal with is traffic and weather — what could possibly go wrong?

Classroom management will also grow significantly easier for teachers. Teachers don’t have to beg students to stay in their seats and not shout and disrupt the classroom anymore — students will just do it automatically. Teachers won’t have to beg for students not to be on their phones, since students will miss live learning so much they’ll stay off their phones anyway. Instead, all teachers have to do is make sure students social distance and keep their masks on. Easy, researchers say. What do teachers have to winge about?

And then there’s the money. Researchers say money will suddenly appear out of thin air once schools reopen — more students will be on the roll for attendance and give schools more money, but politicians across the political spectrum will suddenly have a change of heart towards struggling schools as well, and start diverting funds from the prison system to the education system.

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Ryan Fan

Written by

Ryan Fan

Believer, Baltimore City special ed teacher, and 2:40 marathon runner. Diehard fan of “The Wire.” Email: ryanfan17@gmail.com. Support me: ko-fi.com/ryanfan

MuddyUm

MuddyUm

Bootleg Humor Since 1720

Ryan Fan

Written by

Ryan Fan

Believer, Baltimore City special ed teacher, and 2:40 marathon runner. Diehard fan of “The Wire.” Email: ryanfan17@gmail.com. Support me: ko-fi.com/ryanfan

MuddyUm

MuddyUm

Bootleg Humor Since 1720

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