The 2:30 Tour of Paradise University
How’s everyone doing today? My name’s Deklan! Are you stoked to tour the most Gucci college in the Northeast?
Nay, not just in the Northeast, but in the entire country? I know many of you have logged long hours with the parental units for your first glimpse of Paradise. I’m sure it’ll be love at first bite — especially after you visit our amazing Student Center that’s now headed by gourmet-TV show celeb Ramon de Gazpacho.
Listen, when I was just seventeen, not sure of my direction, or my major, or even my sexuality, when I passed through the Fritz Hue Gate at Paradise University, I knew I found my home. I’m sure you’d love to call Paradise home too.
Please follow me. I’m used to walking and talking backward! I’ve only tripped a few times today, so if I repeat myself, it’s just the old brain injury acting up again. But no worries. After all, I’m a student at Paradise.
Go ahead and cast your eyes up toward Lafayette Hall. Take a penetrating look at that grass. Some grass, huh? That’s not just any type of grass. It’s a special grass-blend that we have developed after long years of intense research; our botanists have traveled to Ireland, to the Tierra del Fuego, and to Ukraine to produce a startling green grass we call Paradise Grass.
At Paradise, we spare no expense to make sure your four, or five, or six year college experience is the most aesthetically pleasing of your entire life.
As you walk along the Colonnade, notice the brickwork. The marble has been directly imported from Umbria, Italy. It’s the same marble that Michelangelo used. The stones under your feet are indeed etched with Mayan gold — with each alumni giver’s name.
This is one of our most cherished and oldest buildings. Legend has it that Alexander Hamilton once had carnal relations in Room 210, but who can believe the jealous, drunken musings of Aaron Burr, right?
Notice the refurbished archway and portico. Our own stonemason named Giuseppe and his team of Croatian craftsmen crafted it. In fact, most of the stonework that you now see around campus, the busts of our founder, our distinguished alumni, our Board of Trustees, all decked out in Roman and Greek regalia, along with the phalanx of gargoyles and sea serpents and Greek gods, like the one over there of Poseidon, sprouting from our fountains, were all done since the implementation of Federal Stafford Loans.
Can you imagine what Paradise University would have looked like before the influx of cash? If you’re interested, there is a beautifully-bound book in our Bookstore about the two centuries and four score History of Paradise.
Down this hallway, you’ll meet The Dean of Internal Affairs, and his team of hardworking Associates. Over there is the Dean of Student Affairs, and the Dean of Speculation and Stock Market Investments, Dean of Appropriate Student Behavior, and the Super Associate Dean of Giving, and The Dean of Lucrative Spending, and the Dean of Luxury Housing, The Dean of Gardens, The Dean of Pathways, The Dean of Sustained Development, The Dean of Greek Associations, The Dean of General Endless Happiness.
Ok. I’ve bored you with all these deans.
Let’s slip through the backdoor here, and be careful here; this pathway has been designated the Pathway of 2019. It is being updated with a special building material that’s being imported from Israel. Please stay on the straw.
Up here is our brand new science building built by no other than Frank Gehry, who sadly was not an alumnus. He went to that school in Cambridge. Ha. So cliché, right?
If Professor MacTingle was not on her year-long sabbatical in the jungles of Borneo where she is investigating the mating habits of the Bare-headed Laughingthrush, you would have a chance to meet her, but that’s no matter. Teams of brilliant TA’s are available 24/7 for all of your science questions.
This lecture hall holds about 10,000 students. Each desk has its own video screen, so everyone can view the teaching assistant as if they were right upfront. Each desk also has a question button and audio-feed that’s wired directly into the TA’s cranium.
Paradise takes your education seriously — and the technology here is state-of-the-art. We may not be Stanford or Silicon Valley yet, but we have imported tech gurus: that’s not just a term. They are actual gurus and they really know technology. How do you know that I’m not just some hologram? See that glistening building upon the crest of the hill over there? That building was the dismantled Google complex. It was reassembled here.
One guru just designed an app that takes digitized notes for you based on the logarithms of your professor’s voice. And our expert team of techno-wizards (who are actual wizards, too) has designed logarithms that forecast your meals, telling you exactly what you would like for dinner before your taste buds do. It wasn’t cheap, but let me tell you, it sure keeps those Freshman Fifteen on you.
The thing about Paradise that’s really amazing, apart from the stellar buildings and our flowers and pathways, is of course your educational experience.
Sure, we have the big money pit where you entertain yourselves by dressing in a plastic suit without pockets and frolic in a vast pit of money; sure we have underground rail service on those cold winter days when no one feels like walking on gold pathways; And sure, we have personal limo service from your hometown to Paradise, if you’re within three hundred miles.
But the education here is the BEST. All our professors teach two classes. They spend most of their days creating the BEST lessons possible. They have an open-door policy, and often-meet students informally in our area park benches, ultimate Frisbee pitches, restaurants and bars, and bodegas and, (in a dazzled whisper to a hip dude in the front), opium dens.
At Paradise, learning just doesn’t happen in the classroom; the whole world is our classroom. In fact, we’ve attracted the literary talents of Nobel Prize winner Saul Bellow, who is the writer in residence, but since he likes to write, and has only one female graduate student at the time living with him, you can only sense his vibe through looking in at the upstairs window.
Now let’s take a rest. Does anyone have any questions?”
“What percentage of students get a job in their major after graduation?”
“Let’s just say the figure is astounding.”
“How much are tuition, room, and board?”
“Is that really a question worth considering?”
Let us now continue. If you take a long look beyond the Golden Cupola, you’ll see about two thousand acres that the University just purchased to make way for our new Ultimate Sports Complex that’s been redesigned to model the Roman Forum.
In the bioengineering department, each Board of Trustees has an identical clone that has been frozen to harvest vital organs.
The teaching assistants are more than indentured servants; professors harvest ideas from graduate students — and whenever feelings of …. let’s say, ennui, arise, electrodes jolt through their bodies that have been digitally inserted when they sign for graduate courses in the liberal arts. Some have joked this is some Faustian Motif, but what do they know?
Paradise does not have an Ivory Tower — the college has been investing in gold bars — the endowment for the college — vast underground vaults; we have solid Golden Towers.
Parents, in case of an emergency or quarantine, the college, in a moment of cataclysmic danger, can seal itself into a dome and thousands of rocket boosters shoot the campus into space where it circulates around the earth for thousands of years until situations on the ground normalize; and then Paradise then can take over the cultural, political, and religious institutions of the globe.
Please remember our admissions deadline. Our acceptance rate proudly stands at 1.3%. The application fee is $200. Please disclose all financial information on the CCSPA form, but we do not make admissions acceptance based on that form. We have our wizards and gurus for that, as well as a very complicated formula that is super Top Secret. The only person who knows this secret lives at the top of the Golden Tower.
Blood samples are now required, as well as CAT scans, and full sexual partner disclosures (held in strict confidence on our Pearson servers) and ACT, SAT, SAT II, and now even the Supercharged SAT III. Please complete all 200 pages of the application.