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The D**k Pic

How An Embarrassing Picture Taught A Life Lesson

Photo by Jon Butterworth on Unsplash

“I’m getting myself an iPad.”

My wife gave me ‘the look’.

“So you can sit on the couch and watch mindless videos all day?”

“No. I’d be more organised, and help you with online shopping.” I protested.

“Hailey dear,” she called in our 14-year-old daughter. “Your dad’s going to borrow your iPad for a few days. He thinks he’ll be ‘more productive’ with it.”

“Sure, I guess.” Hailey handed me her old, sticker bombed device.

‘Be productive’ for a few days? How hard could it be?

Day 1: Watched the game while sitting in the pool, iPad perched on an inflatable pillow.

Day 2: Watched DIY videos on the toilet.

Day 3: Watched a review for garden mowers while stuck in traffic.

Day 4, things changed.

I accidentally hit the gallery shortcut. A picture of Hailey pops up, hugging her best friend Maive while having a milkshake.

She may look like a teenager with an attitude, but deep down, she’s still the little girl I remember.

I swipe across the screen, revealing more milkshake-bestie-love pictures. Then, it turned up.

Is that a penis?

It’s hard to mistake it for anything else. My first thought? I hope it was cold when that picture was taken. I was still smirking to myself when it hit me.

What’s that Tiny Womb Raider doing on my daughter’s iPad? As far as my wife and I knew, Hailey didn’t even have a boyfriend.

I found her in her room, lying on the bed in matching pyjama top and shorts.

“Hey Hailey,”

“What?” She pulled an AirPod out and looked up, annoyed that I disturbed her private rave to the tune of Dance Monkey.

“On your iPad, where do the pictures you take go?”

“Gallery.” She stuck the AirPod back in.

“So in the gallery, it's just the pictures you took, right?”

Pausing the song, she rolled her eyes.

“No, it’s any pictures. So if mom sends me a photo on Whatsapp, it goes in there.”

“What else?”

“If you send me a photo on messenger, it goes in there.”

“Okay, what else?”

“If someone sends me a picture of…” Her voice trailed away.

She started twirling a handful of golden hair, like she always did when she was nervous.

“Can I have my iPad back please daddy?” She gave me her best doe-eyed look.

“Sure.” I handed it over, amused at the way she clutched it to her chest.

“So, um, how’s your day going?”

Up till the second I saw Long Dong Silver on her iPad, not great. But right now, I was having the time of my life. Hailey didn’t wait for an answer.

“I got to go.” She shuffled off the bed, heading for the door.

“Where you going?”

“Shopping.”

“In your panda pjs?”

“I need to change.” She held the door open for me to leave.

“Okay, I’ll drive you.”

My daughter never refuses lifts. If she were to know a dirty, life-ruining secret about me, the type you could extort for millions of dollars, she’d probably cash it in for unlimited rides till the day I die.

“I’ll walk today if you don't mind. I'm buying girl stuff.”

She wasn’t getting away that easily.

“Oh, I’ll wait in the car, then drive you back. You can buy anything you want, I'll pay.”

She groaned as I left the room, loving the opportunity, but dreading me at the same time.

The drive to the shops was the longest awkward silence I’ve ever experienced.

As we pull up, Hailey turns to me, unable to bear it any longer.

“Okay, fine dad. You can’t tell mom about this.”

I sat back in the seat, expecting a boy’s name.

“Did you see my nudes?”

“What? No. You took nude pictures? Are you out of your mind?”

“I didn’t send them to anyone. Vicky and Moana from school send a ton of them. Last week you and mom were out. After I took a shower, I thought I’d try to take a couple of my own, but no one’s seen them. I swear to god.”

I handed her the iPad.

“Delete. Now.”

A few taps later, she said they were gone. I inspected the gallery again. Woody Womb Pecker was still there. I zoomed in on him.

“This is what I saw.”

I showed her the picture.

“Oh, that’s just a d**k.”

“I know what it is. What’s it doing on your iPad?”

“Connor sent it to all the girls in our class a while ago, as a joke.”

“Delete, young lady.”

She did as she was told. I pulled a few dollars from my wallet and handed them to her.

“Here, go buy something you like. If you promise me you’ll never send any boy nudes, I won't tell mom. If a boy wants to see your cheeks, he’d better be your future husband.”

“Thanks dad.” She gave me a quick kiss and jumped out of my truck.

“And don’t buy anything too revealing,” I called after her “You’ll get me into trouble with mom.”

Boys,

Don't send pictures of your Love Dart. Ever. As a general rule, the Biologic Joystick isn't photogenic. Girls keep the pictures to have a giggle with their besties at sleepovers, not because they're impressed by your Action Jackson.

Girls,

Don’t send nudes, you’re better than that.

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Daniel Caruana Smith

Daniel Caruana Smith

83 Followers

Daniel is a writer, senior teacher and geographer based in Malta. His main passion is empowering students to fulfill their aspirations and reach their goals.