The Economy Is Reopening. You Must Be Eighteen or Older to Enter.

We have decided to exclude disgusting germbucket children from The Great Reopening, so you can shop safe!

Laura Skopec
May 19, 2020 · 2 min read
Photo by Piron Guillaume on Unsplash.

Congratulations, adult! Our state’s economy is re-opening. You may now get the haircut, manicure, or awkward dine-in restaurant meal you have been dreaming of for the past eight weeks. You can even have the Chinese character for suffering tattooed on your left butt cheek to memorialize this time of phenomenal inconvenience. Your new tattoo will remind you to never again allow the government curtail your God-given to try to kill yourself and others.

And good news! You won’t encounter any annoying young children on your ventures out into The Economy. We have decided to exclude those disgusting germbuckets from The Great Reopening, regardless of their developmental needs or likelihood of contracting the virus. All playgrounds, schools, and camps will remain closed for the next three to eight months. Children will remain locked indoors watching Zoom calls and playing only with their parents.

This is for the greater good. The next generation must not fall behind in their preschool, Kindergarten, or grade school studies just because of a little pandemic. We also cannot risk the health and safety of the brave men and women venturing out for their mask-free mani-pedis by exposing them to filthy children. If children are traumatized by the experience of six to twelve months with no social contact, well, that is just a promise of future customers for essential businesses like marijuana dispensaries, strip clubs, and private prisons.

Young adults aged eighteen to twenty-two may rejoin The Economy, under two conditions:

  1. They must not question whether Zoom college is worth $50,000 per year.
  2. Graduating seniors must never complain about their graduation being canceled. It is really not a big deal. All adults who had graduations are strongly encouraged to post pictures of that wonderful time on social media to show these whiny, entitled young adults that, in the scheme of things, graduation doesn’t matter very much. And they should shut up about it.

Also, please note that The Economy no longer includes parents, since someone must care for the putrid children. But that is as it should be. School is not a babysitter! For those wondering if The Economy can work if all parents are excluded, don’t worry. Man-parents will be allowed to participate, assuming they haven’t married one of those heinous witches who insist on co-parenting. If they did, well, that sounds like a personal problem.

Thank you for your service during this difficult time, adult resident, and we hope to see you out in The Economy as soon as possible, patriotically forswearing face masks and hand sanitizer.

Sincerely,

Your Governor

MuddyUm

Bootleg Humor. Since 1720.

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Laura Skopec

Written by

Laura Skopec is a writer, researcher, and comedian based in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s and Slackjaw.

MuddyUm

MuddyUm

Bootleg Humor Since 1720

Laura Skopec

Written by

Laura Skopec is a writer, researcher, and comedian based in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s and Slackjaw.

MuddyUm

MuddyUm

Bootleg Humor Since 1720

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