PANDEMIC VOL 1
The Pandemic Pulse Newsletter
We were told no one was writing funny stuff about COVID
Our Editor-in-Chief heard, “No one is writing funny stuff about COVID.” This is our response — a collection of pandemic humor written by MuddyUm authors. There will be at least two volumes of The Pandemic Pulse Newsletter because not only are we writing funny stuff about COVID, we are writing boatloads of funny stuff. We are living on a pirate ship, after all. It’s a great way to quarantine from the madness of the mainland, isn’t it?
When the box arrived
I nearly cried
Without this box of soft t.p.
I would have resorted to wiping with leaves
Scratching my skin and wondering when
I would ever find comfort again
Follow the underlined title links to enjoy pandemic-inspired humor by MuddyUm’s fine crew. Perhaps give them a clap or two — or 50 if they really tickled you.
Bats Implicated in COVID-19 Virus Outbreak by MuddyUm Captain and Editor-in-Chief Susan Brearley
In a formal press release, MLB officials cancelled all activities and quarantined equipment lockers until investigations could be completed in order to learn how the bats contributed to the COVID-19 virus outbreak.
Area Man: Pandemic Masks are Ruining My Life! by MuddyUm co-editor Sarah Paris
How can I tell random women to smile if their faces are covered? I need to find all the frowny female faces in the world and turn them upside down.
Join me in reclaiming our freedom. Cast off that mask! Aspirate freely and share your droplets as our forefathers would have wanted us to.
The administration urges you to send us your children… The University has taken the necessary steps to protect you and your snowflake of a child.
I’d rather Zoom… Here he comes, a running, breathing petri dish now clinging to my pant leg. I pull out a can of Lysol from my hoodie pocket.
Pandemonium in Aisle Ten by MuddyUm co-editor Rachael Ann Sand
A COVID humor collection. Folks half-assing compliance with mask mandates throughout the nation have been wearing their face coverings at half-mast.
Children’s snotty habits will not change… Make sure they do not go near you… Wash your hands every ten minutes… And if you have time, teach.
Follow these ten helpful tips to keep your family safe this year! No amount of panic and fear-mongering is too great for our great nation.
How easy would it be to start a rumour to boost sales? An innocent slip or a deliberate act — with the sole intention of creating sales.
In the style of Dr. Seuss.
Jane, I am, Jane, I am. I do not like, this brand new plan.
Wondering who started this damn pandemic? These two authors are taking all the credit.
Fuck! I Might’ve Caused Coronavirus by MuddyUm newsletter staff Sara Zadrima
I forgot to charge my new crystal in sunlight… I should’ve known something evil was lurking in those perfectly reflective golden squares.
“Paper products — I love those!!” Five simple words. I should have kept my mouth shut. I’m sorry.
Look for another volume of The Pandemic Pulse Newsletter in a few weeks! Until then, keep a hearty stock of face masks, spiced rum and t.p.