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This is an email from MuddyUm's The Real Dirt, a newsletter by MuddyUm.


The Pandemic Pulse Newsletter

We were told no one was writing funny stuff about COVID

Our Editor-in-Chief heard, “No one is writing funny stuff about COVID.” This is our response — a collection of pandemic humor written by MuddyUm authors. There will be at least two volumes of The Pandemic Pulse Newsletter because not only are we writing funny stuff about COVID, we are writing boatloads of funny stuff. We are living on a pirate ship, after all. It’s a great way to quarantine from the madness of the mainland, isn’t it?

Ode To Toilet Paper by Rachael Ann Sand

When the box arrived
I nearly cried
Without this box of soft t.p.
I would have resorted to wiping with leaves
Scratching my skin and wondering when
I would ever find comfort again

Photo by author, Rachael Ann Sand

Follow the underlined title links to enjoy pandemic-inspired humor by MuddyUm’s fine crew. Perhaps give them a clap or two — or 50 if they really tickled you.

Bats Implicated in COVID-19 Virus Outbreak by MuddyUm Captain and Editor-in-Chief Susan Brearley

In a formal press release, MLB officials cancelled all activities and quarantined equipment lockers until investigations could be completed in order to learn how the bats contributed to the COVID-19 virus outbreak.

Area Man: Pandemic Masks are Ruining My Life! by MuddyUm co-editor Sarah Paris

How can I tell random women to smile if their faces are covered? I need to find all the frowny female faces in the world and turn them upside down.

Keep Your Nanny-State Mitts Off My Rights! by Tina L. Smith

Join me in reclaiming our freedom. Cast off that mask! Aspirate freely and share your droplets as our forefathers would have wanted us to.

A Letter from Ernest Hemingway to Parents of Students by James Tierney

The administration urges you to send us your children… The University has taken the necessary steps to protect you and your snowflake of a child.

I’m not Ready for Family Visits by Tracy Stengel

I’d rather Zoom… Here he comes, a running, breathing petri dish now clinging to my pant leg. I pull out a can of Lysol from my hoodie pocket.

Pandemonium in Aisle Ten by MuddyUm co-editor Rachael Ann Sand

A COVID humor collection. Folks half-assing compliance with mask mandates throughout the nation have been wearing their face coverings at half-mast.

The Perilous Return of the Primary Teacher by Susie Antonia

Children’s snotty habits will not change… Make sure they do not go near you… Wash your hands every ten minutes… And if you have time, teach.

Avoiding Coronavirus by Justine Reed

Follow these ten helpful tips to keep your family safe this year! No amount of panic and fear-mongering is too great for our great nation.

What If Creating A Toilet Paper Shortage Was A Cunning Ploy? by Marie T Smith

How easy would it be to start a rumour to boost sales? An innocent slip or a deliberate act — with the sole intention of creating sales.

I Do Not Like This Plan by Janie Emaus

In the style of Dr. Seuss.
Jane, I am, Jane, I am. I do not like, this brand new plan.

Wondering who started this damn pandemic? These two authors are taking all the credit.

Fuck! I Might’ve Caused Coronavirus by MuddyUm newsletter staff Sara Zadrima

I forgot to charge my new crystal in sunlight… I should’ve known something evil was lurking in those perfectly reflective golden squares.

I Think I Started the Pandemic by Gwen Irwin

“Paper products — I love those!!” Five simple words. I should have kept my mouth shut. I’m sorry.

Look for another volume of The Pandemic Pulse Newsletter in a few weeks! Until then, keep a hearty stock of face masks, spiced rum and t.p.



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Rachael Ann Sand

Rachael Ann Sand


Passionate about the next generation of all living things. Sharing life lessons & experiences with humor and love.