Humor

We’re The Pampered Chef Tools You Bought 5 Years Ago But Never Used

And Tick Tock, It’s Quarantine Cooking Time!

Remember that Pampered Chef party your neighbor dragged you to on the promise there would be free wine? Yeah, Sucker, you got drunk and ordered $400 worth of kitchen gadgets even though you don’t cook.

Now, all your favorite restaurants are in the pandemic dining drought, and you’re too scared to trust the teenager from Grub Hub to deliver your precious Moo Goo Gai Pan.

Time to dust off that Betty Crocker Cookbook Aunt Glady’s gave to you for a wedding gift twenty years ago and get to work on a Slow-Cooker Italian Rump Roast. Find your inner Martha Stewart (post-prison) and dive into that cabinet full of untouched cooking tools that look more like instruments of torture than garlic presses and zesters.

Oh, look! Pancake molds with Emoji stencils! Your kids totally deserve a homemade breakfast after years of eating stale Pop-Tarts on the school bus every morning. You’ve also got a $27 Waffle Stick Pan because all the good moms know regular waffles are so yesterday.

Once that gets boring, you can overcompensate for your lack of mothering skills by using the $50 Rolling Cookie Cutter Set to make homemade cookies — -something your children will not recognize since their baked goods have always come from a box. If you really want to impress them, why not try the Cookie House Molds to make your own gingerbread house? God knows you have all the time in the world to assemble an edible home since your own home life is falling apart.

If you’ve already binged every episode of Tiger King, but the quarantine is still getting to you, hope is on the way! Bust out your $53 Electric Wine Opener, because some days you just can’t open that bottle of wine fast enough!

Kids still hungry? Spoil the little brats by making them crust-free sandwiches with the Pampered Chef Cut & Seal tool. And don’t forget to use the nifty Scoop & Spread silicone knife with the serrated end instead of a regular knife, just to prove how damn lazy you really are.

Once you’ve got that rump roast cooking, grab your fancy Mix ‘N Masher and mash some potatoes. Yes, REAL potatoes, not the boxed flakes that swell up like dry cat food when water is added to the bowl. Create a colorful side dish by tossing some zucchini into the $73 Veggie Spiralizer to trick your kids into eating vegetables disguised as green pasta.

A homemade fruit pie would make the perfect ending to your perfect meal. The $60 Apple Peeler, Corer, Slicer (with stand) was actually designed during medieval times to perform lobotomies, but the folks at Pampered Chef discovered that the same instrument works great for prepping apple pies.

Dinner time! Your $200 Rockcrok rump roast is as dry as sawdust, and your mashed potatoes have the consistency of wallpaper paste, but hey, at least it’s a homecooked meal. If your kids ask if it’s okay to feed their dinner to the dog, threaten to yank out their tongues with your $12 Salad Claws, and they’ll never complain about another homecooked meal again.

See? That wasn’t so bad. Our expensive family of Pampered Chef tools really did come in handy!

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Marcia Kester Doyle

Written by

Marcia Kester Doyle is the author of the humor book, “Who Stole My Spandex? Life In The Hot Flash Lane” and a blogger at “Menopausal Mother”

MuddyUm

MuddyUm

Bootleg Humor Since 1720

Marcia Kester Doyle

Written by

Marcia Kester Doyle is the author of the humor book, “Who Stole My Spandex? Life In The Hot Flash Lane” and a blogger at “Menopausal Mother”

MuddyUm

MuddyUm

Bootleg Humor Since 1720

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