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Your University’s Mandatory Summer Workshop Series

Because you need to change

Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

Dear Faculty, Staff, Students, and Alumni,

Here at University of the Colleges, we extend an incredibly warm and restful ovation to you on this well-deserved summer break!

Thanks to a generous gift from a very wealthy donor, we are pleased to announce our mandatory summer workshop series! We all know anti-racism, reproductive rights, and climate justice start with you, not us. That’s why we’re offering this exciting and required opportunity for you to fix yourself.

Due to the ongoing pandemic, all of these mandatory self-change opportunities are going to be held virtually. However, due to the back-to-campus initiative, it is required that you attend these workshops in our donor-sponsored, state-of-the-art campus safety pods. These pods are individualized, secure, and socially-distance-approved spaces scattered around campus for you to enjoy all that our institution has to offer, while not having to worry about interacting with a single other human being. They are, however, not air-conditioned nor should they be used to protect yourself in an active shooter scenario as they auto-lock from the outside. Plan accordingly.

Please block the month of July off your schedule so that you are available for all these workshops have to offer. See below for a template of the daily agenda:

8:00am: Arrive on campus for safety pod activation

9:00am — 11:00am: “What is Racism?” — A Workshop Series sponsored by the local Police Department’s Booster Organization

11:00am — 11:10am: Lunch (generously provided by Arby’s You have the Power, We have the Meats initiative)

11:10am — 1:10pm: “Is Climate Change Real?” — Rex Tillerson’s Climate Awareness Workshop Series

1:10pm — 1:12pm: Bathroom break (Number 1 only).

1:12pm — 4:00pm: Get Woke and Get to Work Guest Speaker series sponsored by Halliburton

4:00pm — 4:02pm: Dinner (not provided)

4:02pm — 7:30pm: Keynote Speech Series sponsored and presented by Ginni Thomas and the Thomas Family Foundation for “Democracy”

7:30pm — 8:00pm: Cocktail Reception (cocktails not provided)

Also, look for some exciting and required weekend activities to debrief and reflect on all of the great learning we are providing for you. For example, Mark Meadow’s Meadow Walk, no cell phones allowed.

Here’s an important health reminder — if you’re feeling under the weather, do NOT test. Safety pods cannot guarantee the reduction of spreading grave illness nor do they prevent unexpected pregnancy.

Remember, fall semester is right around the corner, so don’t have too much fun, LOL! You are still expected to attend to your unpaid campus duties such as research, teaching, service, and, of course, various pedagogy workshops.

You can’t spell “School Pride” without “Cool Ride” which is why we’re also offering a chance to win a 2006 Toyota Camry to the faculty member with perfect workshop attendance this summer.

Now get out there and change the world, folx.

— Your University President

Samuel Jaye Tanner is a professor at the University of Iowa, a writer of some (mostly ill) repute, an improviser, and an altogether terrible basketball player.

Ben Stasny is a graduate student at The University of Colorado — Boulder. Ben writes, acts, directs, and makes mischief of one kind or another.

Brand art by David Todd McCarty

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Samuel Jaye Tanner

Samuel Jaye Tanner

Writer, teacher, professor, improviser. Some stuff is serious. Some is not. Can you guess which is which? Oh, there’s this too: https://samjtanner.com/