How to not take things personally!
On ego, assumptions, control and how to practice self-confidence.
Have you ever thought that people don't like you too much because they don't look at you while they are talking to a group of people?
Have you ever tried to figure out why your friend may be angry just because her WhatsApp message is ‘‘cold’’ and without any emoji?
Finally, have you ever think that you actually don’t like yourself cause all day you keep repeating “you are so stupid”, “think before saying” or “I just missed an amazing opportunity”?
Social interactions are tricky because, for example, the other girl’s expression can set off millions of interpretations in your head. Throughout our daily interactions, we find many moments to become offended by another person’s expressions, body language, actions, inactions or words. One change in tone or the choice of words one person chooses can spark irritation in the other.
Here are several facts worth noticing:
1. Ego plays a crucial role in taking things personally.
Taking things personally is usually the cause of an overactive and reactionary ego because we feel unwanted or unnoticed. Ego often perceives things as a personal insult regardless of whether one was actually intended. It is often that case that the individual who ‘’offended’’us had a bad day, is socially awkward or at that moment didn't know how to communicate properly. Nothing personal, right? When we’re more conscious of our egos, we have the power to choose whether or not to take things personally.
2. You can't control what others think, say or do.
As they say, the only thing you can control is your attitude, not others behavior. When we take things personally we are giving others more power over us than they should ever be allowed to have. By doing so, you allow someone to question what you feel or believe. In effect, you trust that someone else can tell you who you are, instead of relying on what you know to be true about yourself. People will tell or do what they feel like, and it is your choice to control your thoughts and reactions.
3. Is it really what I think it is? Don’t make assumptions.
Oh how we love making assumptions, we just need to make one cause we hate being the clueless one. Step back, breathe and think twice. Don’t jump to conclusions too quickly when you are being confronted. Don’t make assumptions about judgment or criticism seemingly directed at you. Maybe it’s not about you at all, but rather about them and their own perceptions projected onto you.
In the book ‘’The Four Agreements’’ the author Don Miguel Ruiz writes:
“We make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse. This is the biggest assumption that humans make. And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others. Because we think everyone else will judge us, victimize us, abuse us, and blame us as we do ourselves. So even before others have a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves.”
4. We even take personally our own judgments.
Yes, you can control your thoughts and reactions but sometimes you forget that and start being hard on yourself. In ‘’The Four Agreements’’ again we can clearly see the message about self-judgments:
“Even the opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true; therefore you don’t need to take whatever you hear in your own mind personally…Don’t take anything personally because by taking things personally you set yourself up to suffer for nothing.”
Now, the practical part!
How do you work on not taking things personally?
- Be aware of your ego: Not everything is about you.
If someone is not being nice, their behaviour comes from their own problems or lack of awareness; which has nothing to do with you. Even if a person is unkind on purpose, don’t give him/she this satisfaction and just ignore their behavior.
2. Empathy is the way.
Putting yourself in another person’s shoes is a great life skill to develop in those situations because these lessons will help you to work on your emotional intelligence. By the way, I 100% recommend the book ‘’Emotional Intelligence’’ by Daniel Goleman.
3. Don’t play their game. Play your own game.
STOP. Take a deep breath. Be the smart one and before reacting negatively or saying something you will regret. If someone is provoking the argument, walk away and forget. Do you really need this? Don’t make bad things worse.
4. Smart people take criticism as feedback.
OK, I understand that nobody likes to hear comments about themselves. But if you hear constantly that you are great at something, it will not push you to expand your abilities. Choose to see the positives in every experience!
5. Work on your self-confidence
Fuel yourself with self-esteem by not relying on what others say. You are ooh soo much worth it! Realise that your self-worth depends on you.
To sum up, in my favorite part of ‘‘The Four Agreements’’ you can read about making a habit of not taking anything personally because it is the only way of no need of placing your trust in what others do or say.
If you keep this agreement, you can travel around the world with your heart completely open and no one can hurt you. You can say, “I love you,” without fear of being ridiculed or rejected. You can ask for what you need.
