Becoming a working mum
I wrote this piece right after COVID-19 hit Australia. This is dedicated to all the working mums juggling a million things at once while chasing their dreams. I salute you.
Today marks the next phase of my motherhood. I’m now a working mum. I was away from my usual corporate, consultancy world for ten months while I raise my daughter, and I evolve as a mum.
On my first day back, I forgot to set my alarm clock because I stopped using them on the count that I now have a natural alarm clock in my daughter crying at different hours of the early mornings needing to feed. Of course, I woke up later than I have planned. I had a 3-minute shower, forced-fed myself some breakfast, packed my daughter’s daycare bag, fed and changed her, and off we went to start our day. For the first time in 10 months, we are going to spend our days separated. She will be at daycare, and I will be at work re-starting my career.
In the morning, I sat anxiously on the ferry that will take me to work. It felt like a day of many firsts. It’s my first time riding the ferry to the city not pregnant anymore; it’s my first time away from my daughter; it’s my first time going to the city on my own — really I could go on and on about this in my little head. I managed to calm myself down using a meditation app and listening to Bob Marley (yes I love me some reggae) as I pulled into the city. I’m now ready to start my day.
Nothing’s changed
I’m sure other mums who have been back to work after maternity leave would have experienced the same thing. I’m not sure what I was expecting. The world kept turning as it’s supposed to. Business kept going. The cyclical nature of consulting happened. People left, new people came, people got laid off. Business happened. I guess in a way it is comforting that nothing has changed but also sad because nothing’s changed.
I don’t know what I was expecting. Perhaps in my head during the toughest early days of my postpartum experience, I was thinking about that project, this client, that deadline, etc. Maybe I was trying to escape the harshness of my new reality — tired, sore, injured raw, no sleep, and loud cries (both from my baby and me). It’s probably a very human reaction to do to survive. I was holding onto work matters I knew well.
Given the power of hindsight now, it all doesn’t matter. The world will turn, and honestly, I have not missed out on anything.
I used to be somebody.
“I used to be somebody”, said jokingly by one of my workmates on my behalf as I try to explain who I am to a security guard while getting into a client’s building with no ID (I forgot).
It got a chuckle out of me because it’s true, and part of me was seriously scared that it is true.
Before I left for my maternity leave, I led teams, built teams, led problem-solving sessions, had c-level connections, had coffee meets, and conducted commercial deals. As I come back to work on a part-time capacity, I found all of these activities have slowed and quiet down. I guess in a world that didn’t seem to have changed; there is a change after all.
I think in remembering that I was “somebody” my ego got very bruised, and it started to quickly access all of my stored memory, telling me that I did this and that at work making me a “somebody”.
My Greatest Hits
During my maternity leave, while I was awake in random times of the night. I pulled one of the books I had in my kindle library about NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programing) practices. It was one I intended to read, and I thought I might as well learn something new while my brain is still mush from childbirth. Maybe a little bit of information will get in my head.
The book had a lot of self-assessment exercises to help build a further understanding of oneself. I thought it was one I could benefit from as I am at a crossroads in my life. One of the exercises was building your confidence and identity by making a list of your Greatest Hits. It talked about detailing down all your successes and wins in life no matter how small they seem to be. You build your list and keep it. You can run through your list on times you have any self-doubts or as a daily routine to build your confidence.
Here’s a snippet of mine. It can be very random, but I consider this some of the greatest hits in my 37 years of life:
- When I was a kid, I was very good at reconciling quarrelling kids. Other kids called on me to make other kids be friends again.
- I was a fast and fearless runner when I was young. I fell and hurt myself a lot, but it never stopped me from playing.
- My body produced milk after giving birth. Wow!
- I turned the most challenging stakeholders into my allies and gained their trust.
I have been building my list for a while now, no matter how big, small, or silly the win is, I list it down. I believe in it, and it helps me BELIEVE IN ME.
I think it is this simple exercise of greatest hits that have helped me find the contentment and peace in me.
I’m not “somebody”, I’m damn ROCKSTAR!
When I have finally convinced the security guard to let me in, he was looking smug who seemed to know everyone in my group except me, and it felt like he was treating me hostile. I would have reacted differently in the past, but during that moment, I have nothing to prove. I do not need to pleased, smile or justify my being. What was happening was a simple transaction of getting into a building. No more. No less. It isn’t the universe’s sign of questioning my existence or being.
There is a sense of realisation that flowed through me. The sentence “I used to be somebody” is not true because I am somebody to the people that matter. It is not true because I am not less. In fact, I am even more than what I was before.
I’m not just a “somebody”, I’m a damn ROCKSTAR!
