The Invisible Mum
“How’s the baby?”
“How did the baby sleep?”
“Is the baby feeding well?”
“Can I get something for the baby?”
“Can I see the baby?”
These are just some of the questions my friends and family excitedly threw at me when I became a mum for the first time.
Being a first-time mum comes with many firsts. Combine it with experiencing many different emotions simultaneously, such as feeling way out of my depth, relief, joy, fear and worry, and it can be quite a rollercoaster ride. Still, there was one emotion I didn’t anticipate.
For the very first time, I felt invisible.
Whilst the questions from my friends and family are all well-meaning. I felt that I was slowly disappearing into the background. Amid all the excitement and joy — no one asked me how I was, how I was eating, how I was sleeping, or how I was coping.
If they did ask, they would find out that I was tired and scared shitless. I had good days and bad days. I never had time for breakfast. I ran on hardly any sleep, and when I did, I slept curled up in a cocoon, anxiously anticipating the piercing cry of my baby (dramatic, I know, but heck, it’s so true!). Above all, they would learn that I was incredibly lonely and felt isolated in the midst of it all.
One morning, I was pushing my daughter’s pram in my zombie state. I encountered an elderly neighbour who congratulated me on having a baby. She looked into my eyes and asked, “How are you?”. It was the very first time since giving birth that someone had sincerely taken the time to ask me how I was. My eyes welled up as I spoke to her. I gave her a warm hug and said thank you. I couldn’t pinpoint it exactly, but that was exactly what I needed at that moment. She knew what I was going through and how she made me feel seen again with just three words.
Society assumes that overnight when a woman gives birth, she automatically transitions her identity to becoming a mother. People think that you would understand that it’s no longer about you.
And the biggest untold secret is that understanding and accepting it’s no longer about you is the hardest transition all mothers go through.
Motherhood is a journey, and every woman goes through it differently. We shouldn’t be shoved to the side and treated like we no longer matter because we have given birth overnight. Our feelings matter, our voices matter, and our journey matter. Our transition to becoming mothers takes time. It isn’t a switch that gets turned on. It’s a process that gets better in time. We get better in time.
Please do not assume
Do not assume that we understand if you don’t ask about us and only about the baby. Do not assume it’s okay that we fade into the background. Do not assume we are okay just because we stopped speaking in the corner. Do not assume that our journey has been smooth sailing because I guarantee you it’s no way near smooth for any new mother.
Be kind. Use the three most powerful words you can use to any mother. Ask them, “How are you?” and mean it. It would make a world of difference in her world today.
Thanks for reading, Mumma. What are the most powerful words that have help you during your tough days? Tell us in the comments below!
