I Was Ghosted By A Friend And It Still Haunts Me…
I had a really good friend for years until one day, I didn’t. We met when we were single and in our early twenties, bonding over jobs and boys. We spent lots of time lying by the pool in our apartment complex, trading books, going to dinner and shopping, and dancing downtown at night.
Time passed and we both got married, were bridesmaids in each other’s weddings. We moved away from one another but always kept up with our friendship by frequent phone calls and the occasional girl’s trips.
I had two kids, she had three and our phone calls grew sparser but we managed to keep our friendship going. One day I realized we hadn’t spoken in a while, longer than usual. I called and left a message. She did not respond. I called again but nothing. When Christmas rolled around, I sent a card with a note asking if everything was all right. I didn’t hear back and worried.
Growing more concerned, and then alarmed, I ran through the list of potential scenarios where she could’ve fallen off the face of the earth. Did someone close to her die? I know from experience that people pull away when they experience the death of a loved one. Did she and her husband divorce? That can be traumatic. Did one of her kids fall ill with something serious? Another explanation why someone would pull away.
Like a sleuth, I checked her social media, then her husband’s Facebook page where she and her kids smiled out at the camera, alive and well. Her Linked In page indicated she was still at the same job now promoted, living in the same town.
I racked my brain with possible deeds where I could’ve hurt her feelings in such a dramatic fashion that she’d have to cut me out of her life but couldn’t come up with a single cause. I’m not good at many things but being a friend, that I am good at. My concern increased but now I blamed myself only I didn’t know what I was blaming myself for.
I wrote her another letter, the old fashioned way, handwritten in a card, asking if she was okay and did I do anything to hurt her? I was sorry if I did. Please let me know if I did something so I could make it right immediately. Was she okay? Her husband? Kids? Parents?
Days and weeks went by with no reply. I felt — and still do feel- confused and abandoned. But one thing was glaringly clear, she wanted nothing to do with me. There had been no argument, just a door slamming silence that broke my heart.
Recently I ran across an article about ghosting in romantic relationships but I could relate:
Ghosting gives you no clue for how to react. It creates the ultimate scenario of ambiguity. Should you be worried? What if they are hurt and lying in a hospital bed somewhere? Should you be upset? Maybe they are just a little busy and will be calling you at any moment. You don’t know how to react because you don’t really know what has happened.
and this,
Ghosting is the ultimate use of the silent treatment, a tactic that has often been viewed by mental health professionals as a form of emotional cruelty.It essentially renders you powerless and leaves you with no opportunity to ask questions or be provided with information that would help you emotionally process the experience. It silences you and prevents you from expressing your emotions and being heard, which is important for maintaining your self-esteem.
Years later, I’d still like to see an email in my inbox offering an explanation of why she ‘ghosted’ me but I suppose at this point I should stop wondering.
Instead of having a simmering anger inside about this friend who vanished rather cruelly from my life, I find I’m more confounded than ever as time slips away. Though I’ve tortured myself wondering what horrible thing I did to cause her to walk away from our friendship, I’d still listen if she wanted to talk.
But I guess I’ll never find out what happened.
And you know, sometimes not knowing is the worst part.
