I Will Not Stand For This! OR You May Want To Sit Down!

It’s time.

Time to strike a chord with men everywhere.

Time to shout the truth from the laptops of the world.

I pee sitting down.

Wow that feels good. Hang on…wait for it…no? Nothing? No blowback (as of yet). No shaming, no calling into question my manhood or my sexual orientation. Well, that was somewhat anticlimactic.

Maybe you misunderstood. When nature calls for a #1, my cheeks are on the bowl and my pants are bunched around my ankles. Sometimes…

If there’s a urinal, I’m whizzing away trying to melt that urinal cake (no luck so far) or enjoying the contrast of sounds from my stream alternately hitting the porcelain and the plastic matt (if there is one).

Public bathrooms at sporting events and concerts as well as porta-pottys will never know the soft caress of my supple bum. Or my bare hands for that matter. Yuck! I’ve come home after more than one public toilet experience and burned the shoe with which I flushed.

Yes, I flush my pee, even in public. I’m a gentleman after all, not a savage.

So why do I sit at home (or at the homes of friends I am fond of)?

Because I clean the bathrooms in my house. Do you know how much splash back occurs when a man stands and pees? Take a hi-res, motion capture video at some point and you’ll be pee-trified. There is at least a foot wide circumference around that toilet that is in the splash zone. It’s like the first few rows of a Gallagher show.

And that’s assuming good aim. My son soaks spots on that toilet and the surrounding environs that circumvent the laws of gravity and physics.

I feel no need to add to this mess, which I will ultimately be on my hands and knees scrubbing. So I sit.

I guess, then, what it comes down to is not me making a heroic stance against sit & pee shaming. I’m just lazy.

I have a friend who has three boys (plus her husband). She told me she bleaches her whole bathroom at least once a week.

I say train them now. Take a load off. It’s far more comfortable to sit; particularly when reading or making shadow puppets or eating a bowl of cereal.

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