On Unrequited Love
Musings
I recently thought about a cherished friendship I lost as a result of unrequited love. In Fakorede*, I found such genuine friendship I never thought was possible with someone of the opposite sex. We laughed and sorrowed together and he just got me. I was wondering about him and how even though I am in the same city with Fakorede, I can’t even reach out. The mourning of my lost, deeply revered friendship turned sour over unrequited love inspired this rant/musing. Also, for some strange reason I’ve been watching movies and series on the subject recently.
Unrequited love.
This subject has inspired so much art over years and centuries; music, paintings, poems, movies, memoirs, and a whole lot of others.
I know a bit about this you know. Okay, maybe more than “a bit”.
I can tell you about what it feels like to be on both sides of the coin. I do not know everything there is to know about unrequited love because I have not had a chance to read minds (yet) and float/live people’s experiences. However, I do know something about being on the receiving end of this kind of affection. Quite a number of times. Honestly, it's more than I’d wish on anyone. These are the people who would probably paint me as a heartbreaker in their stories. I wouldn’t blame them because I know too.
I’m all too familiar with the stabby feeling; slow, steady, and aching, of being given/receiving a love your heart cannot embrace. Usually, the people on this end are portrayed as the villains. Having to live with the knowledge that you’re the villain in the subject’s story is a different kind of pain.
I also know something about loving someone who cannot and will not see you. I know the gut-wrenching, stomach-twisting, feeling of your heart physically breaking into two or pieces, depending on how your heart breaks. The feeling of being in a one-sided love. The feeling of being bound to a love that will never be embraced, sometimes living with that knowledge and concealing your feelings just to hold onto whatever piece of the person is allowed/permitted. The pain of the fickle hope you hold out that one day, they’d finally open their eyes to see you.
Here is a poem of mine on the subject:
As someone who knows the heads and tails of this coin, I can categorically tell you that those two are two distinct kinds of pain. Although many people, including the artists and artistes of history, seem to really not pay attention to the former. After all, we are the perpetrators of the act. What type of empathy could we possibly deserve? We are the ones who won’t accept and reciprocate the love we’re showered with. What pain could we possibly feel? Do we also grapple with a permanent sense of loss? Of course not! Do we, like the subjects of unrequited love mourn ties and links that are broken as a result? In what world?! After all, aren’t we stone cold?
I was discussing a poem on unrequited love with a senior colleague in school a while back and I mentioned to him that we hardly see poems from the POV of the receiver. After all, there are two sides to every story. I still remember his response to me as clear as day, "Well, that’d be cruel. It’s like rubbing salt on the wound." I disagreed with him but didn’t voice my disagreement because I knew he was at the moment dealing with a one-sided love of his own. No need to rub salt in his wounds. It wasn’t the time. I never got to tell him to look from the other side too. I might never get to but I hope somehow, he stumbles upon this and reads it.
“Not being loved back by the one you love is like torture. But in a way, being loved by someone you don’t want to be with and being forced to love that person back could be a bigger torture.”
~ Kdrama, ‘Suspicious Partner’
I have a friend who used to be my classmate. We’ve known each other since we were toddlers. Before I became familiar with unrequited love, I viewed it in a skewed, condescending, and dismissive manner. This conversation I had with him was years ago. A truly long time ago, before I knew better or rather before life taught me better.
“What’s the big deal about unrequited love? I mean I find the whole concept silly!” If love somebody, walk up to her and tell her you love her. I shared 2face’s sentiments in this song. And if you’re rejected you take it like a champ! He told me it wasn’t that simple and I replied, “Well, I don’t get it!”
I would later get it. Years later...
If you could advise us, what is the best advice you would give to one in a one-sided love? Perhaps something that has worked for you. If you’ve had to let go of a person and a love that wasn’t for you, how did you do it?
- Actual names have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.
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