You were never cocaine. Never were you just another drug. Just another addiction. I have obsessed timelessly over many a minute and many a cosmic things. But you aren't one of them. I wonder if you are the student? You seem to be. Projecting an image of obnoxious rebellion and stubbornness. Yet often; you become the teacher. The guide. Pointing me to home; to where my heart lies. To ecstasy. To black nothingness. But you aren't cocaine. I hate most things about you. Usually; I cant stand any of them in anyone. But with you; it’s a battle of wills. And only with you; I will myself to lose and lose again repeatedly. You are a throbbing headache. I suffocate, unable to breathe. To think coherently. That voice; that voice envelops my mental capacities, leaves me speechless. And all I want to do, all that will release me from the binds is to cradle in your arms. I would rather suffocate in that mirage. Maybe the force of it in a parallel universe is what is causing the sensors off here. Oh; how desperately I want to be bold. Stop reasoning my inhibitions. Shut down my filters. I long for that to happen. For me to let go of myself. For me to forget that I am hanging on a cliff by the edge of my nail. And to just take the leap. FALL. HIT HARD. SHATTER. Break and break again into a tiny million pieces, as it is unable to recognize myself ever again. Or…… FLY!

And; I have fallen. Maybe. I want to tell you so many things; quote back to you so many things. But, do I even have the right to do that?

My intuition tells me. It defies my selfless sacrificial self, stubbornly. Its forcing me to question you. Repeatedly. To hurl abuses at you cause I just cant take this anymore. I cant suffocate with no respite. I need to breathe. But its become out of my comfort zone, its become more challenging than this. This. This sweet incessant torture that I am used to has become my daily dose necessary for existence.

And yet; its devoid me of me. Its taken me too far away from what I knew myself to be and what I knew I wanted to be. An east wind beckoned me and like a moth drawn to its death; I followed without reason or rhyme. And yet, you are not cocaine.

You are everything I never want to be. Yet midst all that chaos, you inspire the nascent deranged subconscious of my mind. The part that just wants a kick and a support to unleash the immense potential it has. Does sound like drugs. Wish I could categorize it.

Maybe that’s the whole issue of this up heaved scenario. The banalities of my mind are hell bent on categorizing, calculating, terming every single thing that happens. Its too used to the black and the white. My subconscious is at peace with both. But grey, that shit is confusing as hell. All shades, every tint, every grade. Yet, my conscious adores grey.

Grey. Random scattered thoughts. The uncertainties and the mysteries. The questionable. The unanswered trivia. Grey has always mesmerized us. It’s the faintly untouchable. Its confusing. No one ever guided us on it. Grey is LIFE. And yet in this particular shade; I am on my toes. Waiting for the next tint to push me over. Or to pull me back.