My cane, Unwanted Help and Other Adventures in Dyspraxia Land.

Plus, a useful guide of “how to deal with a person with a cane” in the end!

Image description: a photo in black and white and blue hues, of a hand holding a cane near a gingham and lace skirt. In the left lower corner the title of the text is featured in white letters with a black outline.

The other day I was on my way to my therapy. Getting to my psychologist’s clinic by bus requires changing buses once. It is almost bearable. My preferred route includes getting off the buss in a specific interchange. I have to cross the road, pass by a gas station, under a bridge, and a cross another road, and wait in an another bus station.

But on that day, when I got off the buss, I had to organize some stuff in my backpack. I stopped and moved the bag before me, and my cane fell. It fell near my feet, and wasn’t rolling anywhere or disturbing any one. I decided to let it be and continued organizing my backpack.

At that moment I saw a stranger’s hand coming for my cane. I moved my foot on my cane. My first thought was that the cane is going to be taken away. I was not able to grab it fast enough, but signaling that the cane is mine was very possible. Plus — it would make it harder to take the cane. The fact that the hand belonged to a person who I perceived as a teenager/young adult man didn’t help. Most of the Public violence I encountered was done to me by people of those age groups. Frequently (but not only) by boys and men. Old traumas, they die hard. In my brain, teenage boys = danger. People who are bigger then me= danger. Actually, people in general = danger, especially if they go inside my personal space.

The person with the hand was confused. I think he wanted to help me with my cane. To lift it up for me. But he backed off, because you can’t lift up a cane with somebody’s foot on it. Doing that will require some socially inappropriate actions, like touching my sandalled foot.

This is not the first time something like this happens. Things fall from my hands very frequently, and people rush to lift them. They do that once they see I don’t lift my stuff right away, especially when I am with my cane. But for me, this try to help is very inconvenient. When a thing lays on the ground, it won’t fall further. It will stay there, which means that I have the time to reorganize my stuff and my limbs. And when I am ready I pick up the thing. Picking it up while my limbs and things and coordination are disorganized will cause something else to fall. If I panic or pressured to lift it up immediately — something else will fall. And then things will start falling again and again, usually the same stuff. People laugh, or rash to help me. They don’t understand they are making the situation worse.

This situation happened to me a lot during my university days. And judging the reactions of my former classmates I guess this looks hilarious from the side. A person who tries to grab one thing, while everything else they hold is falling. Once a cashier in a supermarket laughed and mocked me. My mom was frustrated with the same happening to me at the first grade while doing homework. It is not a new phenomenon, I live my life while trying very hard to coordinate my limbs. Only recently I understood this phenomena is connected to my autism. It is called dyspraxia, and is about poor and atypical coordination, and the ability to feel and control the body. Dyspraxia often comes with autism. Bare in mind my dyspraxia is very mild, and many people has it worse.

A disorder in which the main feature is a serious impairment in the development of motor coordination that is not solely explicable in terms of general intellectual retardation or of any specific congenital or acquired neurological disorder. Nevertheless, in most cases a careful clinical examination shows marked neurodevelopmental immaturities such as choreiform movements of unsupported limbs or mirror movements and other associated motor features, as well as signs of impaired fine and gross motor coordination.

-ICD-10, F82:Specific developmental disorder of motor function

But how can someones help be a problem? How it is possible that someone lifts something for me actually makes things harder?

I have to try and coordinate my movements to take the thing out of their hand fast enough. If I won’t, I will inconvenience them. And I will have to do this while thanking them and trying to hold all my other stuff from falling. If I let them wait, they might become angry or impatient. And when people become angry with me for things that I can’t control, my dyspraxia is even worse. What Fun!

Incidents like these remind me of my university days again. It reminds me of my way to accommodate myself and how people reacted to that.

Back in the University days (2 years ago) I couldn’t use student’s chair with it’s tiny side table. I usually brought an actual table from another class/abandoned office. The moment men sew me, a woman-passing individual lifting a big table they were doing something similar to giving me something that fell from my hands. At least, in my eyes.

They would try to yank the table from my hands, even if I asked them to stop. This was actually quite dangerous, because the tables were quite heavy. The shifting balance could case the table to fall on someones toe. Or starch my muscles, or cause me to loose balance. I told them to stop doing that more then once. Or at least to suggest help an wait for my consent. Nope.

I know they were trying to be nice and help. They were not trying to “flirt” with me. Many of them were married and religions — while I am visibly secular. The unmarried, secular guys were in much higher social status — who ignored me in any other situation. They also ignored me when I try to join conversations (secular and religious). They couldn’t bare the sight of a person with boobs lifting a table.

And the phenomenon of a person lifting up something that I dropped feels to me very similar. Especially since I am afraid they will try to take the thing or mock me. The mocking happened a lot, behind my back, while I could hear it.

“Don’t worry” I say when someone tries to lift a thing that fell out of my hands. “It can’t fall lower then the floor”, I smile and act like I told a joke. If I can, I put my foot on the thing. They are confused. They were trying to help. The fact their help might be counter-productive is alien to them. I still try to thank them, if I am not panicking. In my head the person that grabbed my thing might be going to hit me, mock me or take it away. And sometimes, they get angry. Especially if I don’t thank them right away and take the thing from their hands. The man in the university were annoyed with me not agreeing to their help.

And I even hadn’t started to talk about how people around me react to the mare fact that I use a cane sometimes. I will share those with you as a useful guide, which is way more fun then repeating myself again and again.

5 things not to do if you see a person with a cane:

1. Don’t ask them why they use a cane out of the blue. Especially if you don’t know them. Unless you are their health care provider. If you will ask me about my cane I will tell a joke/pun about canes. I have other stuff to do other when explain the complex reasons why I use the cane. If you will try to insist, I will ask you about your hemorrhoids.
2. Don’t throw a tamper tantrum or make a big deal about the fact that the person is using a cane. I speak of course about people who know me. Some of them think that criticism about my usage of a cane will make me stop using it. I will just avoid then. If the person is not acting like it is a big deal, it is not.
3. Don’t tell them they are lazy. Seriously, using a cane is actually sort of inconvenient sometimes, when you need to walk and use your both hands. Have you tried walking and texting with a cane? Or walking while eating a snack? Or carry your groceries? So uncomfortable! My cane gives me more confidence in myself so… why? It is not your body. How are your hemorrhoids anyway?
4. Don’t try to take their cane away, or grab it in order to examine it. Many disabled people feel their mobility aids are extensions of their bodies. I don’t feel that way, but it does give confidence and helps me manage pain and imbalance. I use my cane, I hold it. It is something that I need, in one way or another. Also, I am a person with a metal stick in my hand. Please think about it before trying to assault me.
5. Don’t ask “Do you REALLY need it?”. Especially if we are not talking about why I am using it. Yes, I need it. Do you REALLY had to ask? Do you REALLY need to know? Or are you trying to decide if I am not faking it, because you are already sure I do. Also, I will ask you about hemorrhoids, again.