To this day (adding my point of view / a tribute)

https://youtu.be/ltun92DfnPY

{Content warning: Bulling, abuse, Domestic violence}

Please watch this video. A transcript can be found [here]. You can watch the entire Ted Talk, with transcription [here].

I wish I could cry over this video. I didn’t understood it when I watched it for the first time, because I was so deep into depression, and because it didn’t had subtitles to my native language, and because… well… the emotion in the voice confused me. But the other day I stumbled across it again. and I am happy I did.

I was that freak, the one who was told, after asking “what have I done wrong?” that I “was born’.
 I am the one that was told every day that I am ugly and that I look look like a sheep because of my fluffy hair.
 That an empty package of chocolate was thrown at, after everybody else was given a piece.
 I was choked and bitten and thrown stuff at.
 I was sexually harassed day after day, by words, and several time — by actions.
 My chair was kick from behind while I was sitting in it, so I was hit every time in my spine, I was shouted at by the teacher, for shouting of pain. I ran out of class in tears, and only then, she acknowledged that something is wrong. Not that she did something.
 And at home… things weren’t easy, because I was force fed and called stupid and told that if I won’t be tidy, no man will want me.
 I was beaten for being late, and when I was asking to turn down the volume of the radio because I had hardships with over sensitivity that I wasn’t even aware of, I was shouted at.
 I was ridiculed over my stimming, and when I said that I wanted just some love and attention from my parents, I was told that the privet lessons I was sent to, because my grads were always too low, was attention and love.
 Because apparently, you have to get high grades even if the school is hell, and you are stupid and bad if the numbers get all mixed up in your brain when you are stressed and you even can’t use the calculator right, because you are too afraid to make a mistake you keep missing the bottoms. And if you get good grades, they are not yours, they belong to your private teachers.

To this day, I find it hard to look at mirrors, I have to take anti — anxiety madicin before meeting my family, and I an still afraid that the people I love the most will beat me, even if they have never done so, because I still feel like I deserve being hated, just because I was born, and I was born different. And even if I have so many people who love me and admire the way I think, I still can’t erase feeling stupid.
 But I am still here, because somewhere inside I wanted to prove them wrong, or at least, felt like I still have some value.


Originally published at queerloli.wordpress.com (my other blog)on October 1, 2015.