Codependency is like…
…a guard always on standby but takes all the p*ss when he doesn’t get called.
5 minutes. 5 minutes of detachment was all that it took for me to stop crying, calm my senses, and see clearly.
They take care of everyone around them. They know their worth. They know what they like. I? I follow them like a puppy. Wanting attention. Feeling scarce if attention isn’t given to me.
I don’t know what I want in my life. If this person doesn’t take care or pay attention to me, I don’t know what I’m living for.
I would never dream of the day where I would write such a paragraph. I was a strong, independent woman with high positivity and a can-do attitude. I would never imagine the day where I would bite my tongue to prevent things from happening, build an unconscious wall in front of me whenever I’m talking with a specific person, have an impostor syndrome and be very self-conscious on whether I could please the other person or not. If I could not please, I would blame. And who did I blame? Myself.
Is it the pandemic? Do you think it’s the pandemic? I wondered aloud to them. I would have thoughts like I didn’t care what would happen. I could wander for miles and miles for hours at night with just a bottle of water. Not that I have done it before, but I felt like doing it. I have a stable job, I have business ideas, I have extracurricular activities and I am doing the things I love, yes — but due to my extreme reliance on a particular person, I am also a full-time ‘security guard’. A role I put myself in, without people wanting me to.
‘An Unsolicited Superhero’
I was laughing to my brother that this was my flaw. The thing is, I’m good at identifying my flaws. I take care for people too much, and I am a people pleaser. Not just a people pleaser, but THE person pleaser. There is someone in my life right now, in which I feel incredibly responsible for every. inch. of their actions. Not that they need me to be. I put myself in this role for some reason. God knows why indeed. I’m like “yeah you need help. Don’t worry! Here’s my card. You’ll need me. And I’m not going anywhere.” And I actually hire myself. And I’ll be clingy af to you right after.
LIVE — My Thought Process.
Now, I am in my room. It’s 15 minutes past crying. I’m calm now.
What triggered my cry? Amplifying the silence.
They talked nicely to everyone else. Silence with me.
I freeze, I put up my involuntary walls, I stutter, I stumble, I lose direction.
I go upstairs, I go downstairs. I don’t know where to go. My ‘security guard’ senses tingle — yes, be with them. No, don’t be with them. Short circuited brain waves. I feel like escaping. Yes, you should go out and run for 20km. No, you should be with them. You couldn’t say your opinions. If you said them they’d be mad. Give in. No, don’t give in. Why is it all silence now. Why is silence deafening?! Run up. Sit down on the chair. Go down. Ask them about Amazon. Hold on, they’re talking to someone else. Right they’d rather spend time with others rather than me. What’s that huge sigh? Am I going to go back into my room? Again? Why can’t we spend time together? Why can’t I spend time with you?
And I go to my room, and have a big cry.
This was 20 minutes ago.
Then I started typing this post.
LIVE — The Reality.
They just came back from work. They had a laugh in the kitchen with a friend. Destressing. Doesn’t mean they neglect me.
They focused on the household chores. Doing so many things. While I stand and wallow in self pity that they didn’t focus on me. Doesn’t mean they neglect me.
They have phone calls, coming down to ask them about their Amazon shops, and me butthurting myself that they’d rather call others than me. Doesn’t mean they neglect me.
They themselves told me:-
(1) They are comfortable having a silence around me. Because I won’t judge.
(2) They don’t need to go into talking mode all the time. Because they are themselves around me.
(3) They are like this around me, because they are comfortable around me.
Affirmations, affirmations, affirmations.
My soul craves it. My soul lusts for it. I need affirmations to function. I become hyper-vigilant due to being conditioned to become this way to please people. And when I get praise, I bathe myself in ego and it becomes temporary alcohol to boost my confidence. And without it? I plummet into a begging, insecure, soul lusting to be found — while I could have already found myself.
And while I typed all about them and everything that happened and exploded, all circulating around them — they cleaned the house. They had phone calls. Two, actually. They had their guest come in. They cleaned the kitchen. They vacuumed. They folded the clothes.
Me? Hah. In my room typing all about them after a big cry. What a f**king creep.
My journey is like a rollercoaster.
I am on my healing journey, but I am unpredictable.
And I am incredibly unforgiving to myself.
I set a bar at an irrationally high level, and cover myself with walls and walls of defense, which prevent the other — no matter who, from seeing me as me. I cover myself to protect myself, but in the end it doesn’t protect, it counterattacks. And the other person gets hurt too.
As Mark Manson puts it nicely, it’s the ‘F*cking Feedback Loop From Hell’ again and again. I am aware of my problems. I am accepting my problems. I say that I will do steps to get over it. I become aware, but my feelings get over me. And if I explode, the loop returns.
I.
Don’t.
Want.
The.
Loop.
To.
Return.
Thats why I always compare Codependency to Alcohol. I don’t know when I’ll relapse. But I don’t want to. And I say I’m taking steps. I am. But I don’t know when I’ll relapse. I don’t know what small faint situation would trigger such a big reaction in me.
I have a new mantra:-
You don’t have to be a security guard all the time.
You don’t have to be a superhero all the time.
Nobody asked for it.
Be your own superhero.
It’s been an hour typing this.
It’s tiring. It’s unnecessary. It’s futile.
But it’s my journey.
All I want to do, is to look back and say,
Hey. I got out of this mess.
And I really want to get there.
