Confessions of the Inner Child
I’ve always known I had an inner child, but I always felt I was in touch with them, until a year ago. That’s when I found my inner child was living in fear and needing reassurance from other people.
My inner child would take praises deep into their heart, and feel scarred when they aren’t enough for others, and I start blaming myself from not being good enough — resorting into curling up in foetal position, deep under the duvets, to weep and cry.
The past few months, I have learnt to not reach out to others to soothe my pain — “No, my role isn’t your caretaker,” my partner said to me. “I am your partner, I am not your mom or your sister, and you shouldn’t find them either.”
It was very tough for me. My inner child, for some very specific reasons in which I do not know myself, craves physical touch. If I were to be able to snuggle up or cuddle someone by my side, I would hold them the entire night. If I were able to hold someone’s hands for a very long time, I would, for hours. If you held me in your arms, I would stay there, breathe in safety and won’t let go.
Until now, I honestly don’t know the trigger behind why my inner child deeply needs physical touch as an affirmation. That’s why pulling away is so hard. However, as I am on my journey of healing, I reach into my “higher power (HP)” — not God for me, but rather a version of myself that I see that I will definitely get to, who is safe and secure, wise, mature and also takes things lightheartedly and fun. And HP says, “Hey, I’m here for you,” she strokes me, and at the same time, telling me the practical aspects of my feelings, and how I shouldn’t react to them. “This is not as serious as you think, believe me, come on *smiles*. Let’s get out there.”
Sometimes, my inner child resorts to firefighting techniques. I call it “escapisms”. Getting into a corner in foetal position, hugging myself, burying myself deep under the duvet and blankets, shield myself in my room to block out responsibilities, suddenly becomes incredibly tired and sleepy to bury myself in the bed even more. Feeling like “I should have done this” and such. Last time, I would replay scenarios multiple times in my head. Now, it is so much less, with less of a shift from ‘Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde’, which now I pinpoint to be ‘secure me and my inner child’.
I still resort to childlike tendencies, where if my partner smiled because of me and how I helped them, I would leap for joy. I would cling on a millisecond longer but know how to detach now when I catch myself ‘hugging due to scarcity’. When I linger around a millisecond longer just to be in my partner’s presence, I would catch my inner child and tell myself that “Yes, our needs are fulfilled, kid. We can go do whatever we want, it’s okay, we are okay.”
I’m very grateful for CoDA (Codependent’s Anonymous) and how much it has taught me to ‘let go and let love’. To let go and flow, to detach with love and fill my life, concentrating on abundance instead of scarcity. It is so, so much better compared to just a mere month ago and I am healing loudly.
I can’t wait for more. I am grateful for this journey and I can’t wait to keep growing.
