Healing from Codependency feels like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde.

It’s exhausting.

Waking up in two seconds, completely fine, to suddenly have anxiety kicking in and it fills you up like you’re in a warzone. If my emotional needs aren’t met, or fulfilled, I would be on a scarcity mindset drive — and the worst thing is, I could be Mr. Hyde anytime.

I’m naturally a happy, optimistic person. People describe me as ‘lighting up the room’ whenever I go into one. I love helping people. I love to be kind and give all I can. As long as I can make the world a better place, I’d plunge myself and solve problems, with a really deterministic soul and a flame to be a superhero.

All these are incredible when balanced — however when I get too involved into somebody close to me, I throw myself off-balance and suddenly I need to take care of that person all the time. I need to love that person and I need to make sure that person loves me back. I get thrown into extreme sensitivities, every single small action (e.g.: the person I love deeply laughs wholeheartedly with somebody else), I would start self-sabotaging. I would think, what is it with that person that can make them laugh more than they would with me? Am I not enough? Will I ever be enough?

It usually is an illusion.

Whatever I think usually is false.

It would seem so real. Like they don’t care about me. Like I put in more effort than they do for me. Like I would get real worked-up and be ridiculously angry and frustrated that they are constantly taking advantage of me.

And in reality, when I calm down and get back to a Dr. Jeckyll Stage, I see the clarity. I see that things aren’t as it seemed at all. I see that, yet again, I have made something small SO BIG, that it negatively impacts me and the people around me.

Take for example today, I was working from home halfway and saw that my partner needed to go to work soon. I stopped work and went upstairs to wake them up. They woke up and jokingly said “Quick! You woke me up but you didn’t prepare my food! Where’s my pizza? By talking to me you’ve wasted 10 seconds… 20 seconds… 30 seconds….” And even though it was clearly a joke and I could have laughed along and sprinted down the stairs in comedy, I was pissed. Anger and rage boiled within me. I stopped my work to wake you up, yet you said I haven’t put in the pizzas. Stop. Taking. Advantage. Of. Me.

The thing is, my partner would never take advantage of me. What took over me, was my own emotions.

My partner went downstairs and asked me how was work and how did I sleep. I didn’t make eye contact with them. Didn’t acknowledge them either. I was in my personal bubbling, monstrous space of eternal gloop, letting my anger and frustration overwhelm me, and only replying in one-worded replies: Did I sleep well? Mm. How was work? Mm. They didn’t deserve it at all, but I was salty as f***. I let my anger ruin me.

It was clearly a joke, but because I was touchy and sensitive to whatever my partner says as a codependent, I became Mr. Hyde from Dr. Jeckyll. An Incredible Hulk from Bruce Banner.

Just. Like. That.

Turning back into Dr. Jeckyll

Last time, I needed hours to calm down. Situations and tiny things will constantly ruminate and swirl in my brain. I will overthink and overanalyse thousands and millions of small events — as long as it is due to my partner.

Now, on my healing journey, I can calm down within 5 minutes by managing my emotions, and consciously knowing that “hey, I know you are feeling like this, but whoa — please don’t act stupidly.”

I could choose not to act from my emotions. If I were to change the whole situation from the example above, I would laugh along in comedy, answer a whole chockload when they asked how was work and how was sleep, and I wouldn’t even think they were taking advantage of me.

But because it happened, my explosion resulted in more scarcity mindsets, oh look, they aren’t having eye-contact with me. Great. Our relationship is becoming loose. Why the hell did you explode in the first place. Explain to them. Call them. Then I plunge into a deep dark vortex of now-we-are-back-to-square-one’s.

Like any addiction, healing from codependency is hard.

I have to consciously make a choice not to become Mr. Hyde. Not to stop being prickly at anything relating to my partner. Not to always be a sponge or mirror for my partner’s emotions. Not to always be a caregiver.

Like any addiction, the obsession is there and the temptation not to give in is hard. It’s bad enough that it might seem ridiculous how codependents are attached to people instead of substance, and others usually don’t quite get how is this even considered an addiction. But I assure you, it is, and it is tough to get out. To try to stop caring for someone too much, to detach with love.

Healing is hard. But incredibly rewarding.

In the end, I choose to commit myself to these aspects on my journey:- to not react. If it isn’t worth it, if a monster will come out instead of me- its is not worth it.

“What would Sky do?”

Specifically speaking, “What would clear-minded Sky do?”

I am committing to ask myself this question. If I wasn’t overblown or overthrown with emotions, I would have reacted another way. I wouldn’t be the Sky who’s not marred with smoke fogging my heart and mind — I would be a Sky who is, ultimately, Sky. And would respond, however I would respond, without emotions taking over me.

To all the Codependents in Recovery, I have massive respect to all of you. All other addicts in recovery as well. I salute you, and we are on this journey together.

And Mr. Hyde will be no more.