What To Do When You Cross A Boundary

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When relationships have clear boundaries, those people are empowered and autonomous, can think and speak for themselves, and recognize self-efficacy1,2. In other words, boundaries help us be unique and independent3,4. For example, being more informed about sex, how it affects us mentally, and recognizing boundaries prevents sexual abuse, sexual coercion, and sexual bullying5. Alternatively, couples with more boundary crossings tend to be less satisfied in their relationship6.

Boundaries can be diffuse (weak and lacking in containment and structure), rigid (fixed and inflexible), or permeable (flexible and open). Diffuse boundaries have the greatest potential to cause harm and take you back to old patterns of thinking and defenses7. This type of open boundaries can lead to situations like asking children to relay messages between parents7. Ridge boundaries don’t allow for growth or change. Permeable boundaries, however, are ideal because they allow for change, empowerment, and openness to new experiences8. They allow for outside forces to influence them like when a group welcomes a new member.

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It is important to respect boundaries. At the same time, crossing a boundary happens and may be necessary. Crossing boundaries can be positive, neutral, or negative9 and can be done without causing the other person harm10, 11, 12, 13. If you crossed a boundary, that means you did something someone considered inappropriate or upsetting14, 15, 16. A partner who is crossing a boundary might share personal details about you to a friend to seek comfort or flirt with another person6 but could be as simple as touching someone on the shoulder.

Boundary crossings and violations can happen in any domain of your life: roles, time, place and space, money, gifts, services, clothing, language, self-disclosure, and physical contact17. It almost doesn’t matter what it is. As long as the offended person feels upset, you crossed a boundary. Sometimes, however, it’s ok to cross a boundary, but boundaries should never be violated18. Whereas a crossing can be done to ultimately benefit the other person, violations only break trust and fidelity19.

Things to consider before crossing a boundary:

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1. Are the rewards greater than the risks? Weigh the risks against the rewards for both crossing and not crossing the boundary. Boundaries should only be crossed when it benefits the affected person18.
2. What do other people think about it? Seek honest guidance from a person you trust20
3. What does your gut say? Listen to your intuition. If the thought of crossing a boundary feels uneasy, doubtful, or confusing, it may be a sign that the boundary shouldn’t be crossed20.
4. What expectations were you open and honest about from the beginning? Were you upfront about your intentions? This action establishes boundaries upfront, and the boundaries make sure that the other person feels safe and believes that you will act in his or her best interest, especially if you are in a position of power21. By crossing these established boundaries, you could be doing more harm than expected.
5. Is there a power differential? If so, are you maintaining the other person’s trust?18
6. Does it affect the core of the person? If the crossing is sensitive to the other person’s beliefs and personal history, then it would probably be a good idea to respect the boundary. Respecting a boundary means that you do not cross it18.
7. Are there any errors in your thinking? The way you think about the crossing will be different than the way the other person perceives it. You may think it’s acceptable, but he or she may not. You may see it as beneficial, but it may harm the person. You may think it’s an isolated, one-time event, but it might be a repeating pattern for the other person20. It’s important to remember that you are not the other person.

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You might have had the best intentions, thought the crossing would be beneficial, and respected core beliefs, but it still offended the other person. In this case, you need to carefully monitor the situation, remain open and nondefensive to the offended person, and listen closely20. Also, make sure to apologize sincerely and completely. Half apologies or a non-apology may be worse than not apologizing22. Be sincere, direct, personal, and clear in your apology20.

In summary, having healthy, permeable boundaries makes us better and more empowered people. We should make every effort to respect boundaries and never cross or violate them. When a crossing is necessary and beneficial to the other person, every effort should be given to respect the offended person.

1) Bohlander (1999); 2) Tuason & Fried- lander (2000); 3) Karpel (1976); 4) Stierlin, (1976); 5) Visser et al. (2017); 6) Norton, Baptist, & Hogan (2017); 7) Petren et al. (2017); 8) Lee (2014); 9) Gutheil & Gabbard (1993); 10) Lazarus (1998); 11) Smith & Fitzpatrick (1995); 12) Williams (1997); 13) Zur (2001); 14) Cravens & Whiting (2014); 15) Lamb & Catanzaro (1998); 16) Rosenbloom (2003); 17) Gutheil & Gabbard (1993); 18) Barnett, Lazarus, Vasquez, Moorehead-Slaughter, & Johnson (2007); 19) Peterson, (1992); 20) Pope & Keith-Spiegel (2008); 21) Smith & Fitzpatrick (1995, p. 500); 22) Robbennolt (2003)