My family member keeps causing fights with everyone

Dear Amal,

Help!

I have a family member who keeps causing drama. This isn’t ordinary drama, either. I mean, we can all get irritated at family members from time to time.

But this family member, she is always in a fight with another.

In fact, her fights get so bad that she becomes fixated on someone, like a target, and is almost out to get them.

There’s always a different target, too.

I love her and I want us all to be happy, but she is causing so much tension that our family gatherings are torture.

If we try to talk to her, she becomes defensive. She even cries.

She refuses to see that she is causing so much discord.

Does she have a disorder? I’ve heard about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I think that’s what she has. If she does, what should we do to keep the peace?

Sincerely,

Deflated

Dear Deflated,

I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. It’s terrible to have a loved one cause so much drama, because you never really want to cut off a loved one either. By cutting ties, you might feel liberated to some degree, but you’ll also carry a load of guilt.

And from what I can tell about you, you DO care about this person. So to be riddled with guilt for severing ties isn’t the burden you want to take on.

At the same time, it’s hard enough to take on the burden of being the family peacekeeper. It takes a toll.

From what I can tell, you’re an incredibly aware person. You see that this family member’s behavior isn’t about YOU but it’s about HER. That’s a huge step. And it’s likely a level of self-awareness that she does not have.

You asked about narcissistic personality disorder. We’re not psychologists here, and we also haven’t met this person, so we can’t diagnose. What I can do is speak from experience.

A person with NPD will tend to see the world as revolving around them. They take things personally because they put themselves on a pedestal. People’s actions, in their mind, are about them. You can read more about NPD here.

Similar to NPD is a disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD people are also known to inject conflict into personal relationships. One of the primary differences between the two comes from the person’s sense of self — an NPD tends to have a grander sense of self… or at least an ego that can easily be bruised. A BPD, however, is more affected by interpersonal behaviors and the fear of not belonging. A BPD person tends to be more clingy than an NPD person.

If you want to help such a person, it’s not easy and you could easily become their next target. Both have tenancies to haunt their victims.

• Don’t do a group intervention. Whether NPD or BPD, the person will feel like she’s being attacked. Both have fragile emotions and neither wants to feel like they did something wrong.
• Don’t call them out, either directly or indirectly. While some will say that a bully needs to be called out, this kind of person isn’t self-aware enough to handle constructive criticism. Instead, they need more gentle reminders that the world isn’t against them — which is essentially what they are perceiving, to some degree. Even if you think you are being indirect, these highly-sensitive people can see through your facade and will take it as an insult to their intelligence.
• Gently remind them to empathize with the target. Use gentle reminders in situations where you witness “hateful” behavior. An example: You’re at a restaurant and the waitress is acting strange, for no reason. Your relative thinks she’s being treated differently because she wears a hijab. You, however, see the waitress as nervous — maybe it’s her first day on the job, or maybe she had a fight with a coworker. In any event, you can remind your sister to make seventy excuses. Remind your sister that it’s not about her — that the waitress might have some sort of anxiety issue herself.
• Take her to a meditation class. Mindfulness is a component of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which is a type of therapy commonly used on BPD patients. Your loved one might refuse to go to therapy, but a bonding activity at a yoga studio might work, to help her become more aware of herself.
• Distance yourself. You don’t need to cut off, but sometimes a healthy distance from such a person can protect you from being a target. It can also be good for your mental health.

To submit a question to Dear Amal, please go to the submission form here.