Body Shaming and the Trap of External Validation
I remember the first time I got body shaming when I was five years old. When I was a kid, I was so skinny and short. My smile was also not perfect because I have caries on my front teeth. As a five-year-old kid, I am confident with my body until my aunt commented on my physical appearance sarcastically.
“Oh, you are very ugly. Does your mom feed you? You are so skinny and tan. Who will like you with that body and tooth caries?”
She said it like I don’t deserve to live and there will be no one who loves me. At that moment, my self-esteem was so low, and I felt that I was not good enough. At an early age, I strived to gain weight. I did that just to shut all the hate comments from my aunty. I scooped the rice to my plate until it became full (literally) each dinner. Unfortunately, I became fatter than my friends, which led me to hear other evil words of body shaming from my aunt, friends, and other family members.
As time goes by, I had not realized that I had fallen into my desire for external validation. Again, I made a similar mistake, although I can say that this one is more positive than before. When I started school, my aunty was often comparing me to her children. She thought that I am not as clever as their kids. Of course, I wanted to shut her mouth and prove to her and myself that I could do better than her kids.
I studied so hard, juggling from one course to another course every single day. Even on the weekend, I took the English course on Saturday morning and the Math course on Sunday morning. I push myself to achieve higher scores and to understand all the materials before the teachers taught me. Again, I could achieve my target to prove to my aunty that I am not as stupid as she thinks by becoming the valedictorian in my junior high school graduation. Unfortunately, my achievements did not change her mind about me. She still thinks that I am not good enough.
From my experience, I realized that it is not my responsibility to change what other people think about me. I could not control what other people think of me, but I could control how I see myself. I can not make everyone happy about me, my decision, or my life. It is all about how I can detach myself from toxic people and improve my perspective about myself. It was hard at the very beginning to try to prioritize myself, especially my mental health. It was not easy for me at the start to have self-compassion. But as I grow up and become more mature, I know that the desire for external validation makes me feel lost and far from who I am.
