An Uber-like app… but for Police

Dear Diary,

Here’s one of today’s random thoughts:

There should be an Uber-like app but for the police. Because when you call the police, you’re inviting a stranger with a gun into your life. The app would be called Swag (Stranger With A Gun). You hit the Swag app on your smartphone. When one of Swag’s cops respond, a notification will pop up on your phone like “Your Stranger With a Gun today will be… Stephen” and it would include their photo and their 5-star rating. Now the stranger has a name. You can cancel the request at no charge if the Swag cop has less than a 2 star average review. A one star rating means, Officer Stephen has a history of running in, doing a shoulder roll and shooting unarmed black teenagers sitting in their underpants in their kitchen, eating Cheerios and minding their own business. Four stars and above means you’re probably going to interact with a rational human being wasn’t the dumbest guy in his high school and who doesn’t have rage issues.

The Swag app will tell you how far away your cop is and their estimated time of arrival. There would be surge pricing during peak crime times.

There would be different levels to fit your budget. You could request a cop on bike (SwagX), a cop in a car (Swag Black Car) or a cop on horse (SwagXL). Maybe there should be an even cheaper option where you can call a cop wearing rollerblades. Swag XS for extra-small?

I wonder if cops on bikes look down on the cops wearing roller blades. It’s funny imagining a cop chasing someone down on roller blades. You could get away from him pretty easily by running off the road and onto a non-smooth surface. Roller blades suck going cross country. You ever see someone on roller blades hit grass? They immediately fall over like a toddler on Nyquil. But if you stay on the roads or sidewalks, he’s probably going to catch you pretty quickly.

Like this:

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Originally published at on October 13, 2015.