Moms and sons | 989

My Author Journey, Tuesday, July 4, 2017

# 989 (countdown)

Not a regular day. I’m visiting my mom.

To make it for the 5:30am train I had to wake up at 3:50am and take the 4:30am bus to the main train station. Missing the bus would mean I would also miss the train. Wasn’t sure if it’d all pan out. It did.

At 4:00 it dawned. This always makes things easier. My whole body wakes much quicker.

Did almost all of today’s work on the way to her. Two and a half hours.

At 9:00am my mother greeted me at her apartment.

Reading (on the way to the train station).

In the Shadow of the American Dream: The Diaries of David Wojnarowicz (40 min; on scribd app).

Call it a coincidence, yesterday I read David’s letter to his mother. I’m amazed at the level of his maturity. The awareness that emerges from this letter is a rare, rare thing for a 24-year-old. At such a young age not many people view their lives and their relationships with their parents the way he did, being able to show this, almost impossible (for a 20-something), empathy. I guess the conditions of his early life, very early encounters with sex, his lifestyle (of a street hustler), and his sensitivity all made him very mature person for his age.

In your last letter you spoke of a veil having been between us for a long time. Aside from the things which I need to keep private, the aspects of my life which are intensely personal and which I share with few people, there are areas which I have felt unable to share with you because of the fact that you are my mother (I hope that doesn’t sound like I’m saying it’s a fault). I mean that I have in my head an idea of what it would be like to be a parent and to see your child grow up, to see him grow up outside of the personal hopes or expectations you might have formed for that child and I see the chances for both unexpected pleasure and equally unexpected pain within the eyes of the parent as he or she watches the child moving about (the child being four or twenty-four).
So far my life has been filled with a variety of situations and circumstances where I have ended up roving through scenes that are very removed from scenes most people commonly go through and as a result of this I have developed a keen sense of awareness of the darker areas of society and its characters.
I have also developed my own sense of moral outlook that has been fused with the outlook I have learned from social institutions like school, etc. I end up having more of an acceptance of characters and styles of living that seem to go against the established order of the church and society — these people and the ways in which they live do not frighten or disturb me.
At times I find myself picking up some of the things I see and trying them. It is in the very midst of this that I see chance for pain in you if you were to see this happening or if I were to tell you. Not only that, but there is a tremendous amount of confusion in these times when all that I have been taught collides with what I am experiencing … sometimes things are very exciting or pleasurable and all my past teaching from school, etc., tells me that it is neurotic to experience or even enjoy such a thing, thus a confusion comes about as I rapidly try to assimilate the experience and decide for myself (regardless of what I’ve been taught) what it is I feel in regards to that experience.
Now to place that confusion in your hands or heart could very easily create a concern or pain when connected to your possible hopes for me. I couldn’t chance that or I should say, I wouldn’t. I think every person has this vacant space with his or her parents and it is not meant to exclude because of lack of feeling but on the contrary because of love for the parent.
So when you experience this veil it is not because I am intentionally excluding you; it is because I must, it is because I, as the person moving through the experience, will almost certainly see it differently from you, as you are unable to see it below its face value (I am not casting doubts here as to the quality or openness of your perceptions, just that in certain areas that I move there are great amounts of socially produced misconceptions and you cannot help but pick up those misconceptions in order to try to understand the action, we all do this to a degree).
I don’t think anybody is able to see more deeply below the surface of the experience than the person going through it, so therefore I might be past the experience and moving through the stages where I decide if it’s valid for myself and worth going on with while you are still seeing the visible aspects of the thing and quite possibly being upset by it.
It’s funny because my writings reflect a great deal of these experiences and awarenesses and you can’t help but at one time or another see and read those writings … so I am always aware of the eventual possibility of your reading about my life or senses of it upon publication and it’s strange to wonder what your feelings or reactions will be. Though I am concerned about them still I must continue to write what I feel is important or necessary. So as usual I must just grin and bear it and hope for the best …

Listening to audio. (on the last leg of my trip to my mom’s)

Start Something That Matters by Blake Mycoskie (on scribd app; 30 min). Finished it.

Progress on my second book. None.

I haven’t done much today. Spent most of this time with my mom. I always have this feeling that we might not meet again. Not speak again. Not laugh again. Haven’t said our final goodbyes. There is always a possibility for it. And I won’t be able to prevent it. All there will be left for me will be to take it.

My today’s answers on Quora:

Lukasz Laniecki’s answer to Is 31 years old too late to get your whole life together?

Lukasz Laniecki’s answer to Was life always this confusing? Older generations seemed to not have this “lost in life” feeling like this generation does. What’s changed so much?

Music for this writing session: Adele (on spotify).