5 Essential Pieces of Advice for First Time Fathers-To-Be, From A First Time Father
Being a father was never a huge priority to me as a person — not because I thought I would be bad at it, but because I simply did not enjoy being with kids for longer than few minutes. After I got married to my long term girlfriend, we fully focused on enjoying life as years passed but having a baby was still not a priority for both of us. Moreover, my wife, who always loved and was great with kids simply did not want to bring a child to our lives until we were more stable in our careers and life altogether.
However, there were moments we both felt that there is an inexplicable vacuum in our lives. In the 8th year of our marriage, when we were in a better understanding of each other after making our way through challenges and struggles, we decided that it was time.
Once we have decided to have a new member of our family, there are both positive and negative things that followed. But this article is about the positive things that I have done myself as a husband and a father to be. I hope these points will help you to plan your future family.
1. Your Wife / Partner is Going to Get the Challenge, Be Confident That You are With Her During the Challenge.
As I have mentioned above, my marriage was not always a smooth ride, as all marriages are, I believe. My wife and I had our disagreements which even seemed to have the potential to separate us from each other at times. Once we have collectively solved those disagreements, the challenges of being a mother was a question for her as both of us together will have to raise a family. This was a challenge for me as well, since I will have to reassure that I will be with her to raise the child.
You cannot make someone confident using a mathematical formula. It is a process with emotions and building trust gradually.
You might have a good understanding of each other and not have had huge fights or disagreements as a couple. But it is also important that you have proved that you are a person who can commit yourself to the family and share the responsibilities of a newborn child until he/she gets older. This will not be hard if you do not have any bad experiences in the past. But you need to make sure that your partner is confident that you are a person that she can raise a child.
2. Your Wife / Partner’s Impression on You Will Be Defined by How You Treat Her During Her Pregnancy
One of my best friends, who was luckily around me when my wife was pregnant, told me that “ My wife’s impression about myself entirely depends on how I am treating her during the pregnancy hereafter.”
This was truly the best advice I had received during my wife’s pregnancy as it helped me to re-shape our relationship.
There is no different theory to treat your pregnant wife during pregnancy. It is mainly to pay more attention to her. Attention should cover everything. You should not only love her and care about her but also should show her. Women are emotional during the pregnancy and you also need to accept that change. In my experience, my wife was working and very much active but could not be the same during pregnancy anymore. She had some workplace problems and I was totally with her to understand the situations.
I went with her to all public and private medical clinics. Since she did not drive, I drove 99% of the time except a couple of times that she had to take taxis to travel from her office to my office after finishing work.
As the closest companion, you should have a look at her nutrition requirements too. Even though we were with her parents after 4 months of the pregnancy, I had a look at her nutritional needs by myself. It is not just preparing her all the food she needs but it is a sign that you are caring about her.
As a couple, we normally talk. But during the pregnancy, you should pay extra attention and allocate spare time just to be with her and chat with her. As she is going through a difficult biological and psychological process, you might be the only one with whom she is comfortable to hang out.
3. It Is Your Wife & Child. You Should Know Them From the Beginning.
This point is mainly applicable to my South Asian friends. Since we usually get the support of our extended family during the pregnancy and the first few years of the delivery, most of the men leave the task to women of the family. Most commonly, mothers in low or other ladies in lows in the family will come forward and accept the task. This will let the husband/father to leave himself away from the whole process.
But my dear husbands/father’s friends, you are missing one of the best parts of your fatherhood if you leave out yourself during the pregnancy of your wife and first few years of your child’s life.
4. Learn Some Basic Skills
I will write a separate blog post about this point later. But for the moment let briefly explain to you a few skills that you should have before having a tiny new member into your life.
a. Be aware of how to hold a newborn.
You cannot learn this until you hold a newborn baby by yourself. But you can learn basic theories by reading this article. (Article)
b. Calm or soothe a newborn baby
This is another thing that you cannot correctly learn without having the practical experience. But you can refer to some articles like this. The most important thing when dealing with a baby is, it is not technical but fully emotional and psychological.
c. Do you know how to change nappies and diapers?
This is something you can do by technically following the instructions. However, since you are dealing with a sensitive person, make sure you do it very gently.
d. Make sure you know about bottle-feeding basics
There is no better way to feed your newborn other than breastfeeding at least during the first few months of their life. However, there can be some difficulties a new mother can face due to various reasons. In that case, bottle feeding is the option, and husband/father can always bottle-feed the newborn, which can also develop the bond with the baby. Unicef guide on bottle-feeding is available in this link.
e. Burping a newborn baby
Last skill but one of the main skills a new father should know is correctly burping a newborn baby after each feed. (breastfeed or bottle feed). There are several video and text guides available on the internet about burping and this article is one of them you can refer to.
5. There Will Be Two Attention Seekers During the First Month of the Delivery
Once the newborn baby arrives home, naturally they attract everyone’s attention. Everyone is excited about newborns and busy with their work too. But there is another person who needs your attention. That is your wife who delivered the precious baby.
The same attention as explained above should need her at least after 3 months of the delivery. Mother with a newborn child is so vulnerable and there is a chance that her stress level can go high. Therefore the regular attention on her will support that she relief from the stress. An article on Postpartum Depression is available in this link.
