On being single, again.
As I grow up I realize more and more how being single is a strong part of my identity. Or was, until I started jumping from one relationship to the next since I graduated from architecture. But truth be told I was never the committed type. Or maybe I was too much of the committed type to admit it to myself. This is the first time, after almost 4 years that I have been actually single and without any erotic focus for such a long time. Maybe my last relationship was too heavy or too important and I am not ready to jump on it again. But mainly right now everything seems to be shaking.
Nothing is permanent in my life anymore. So how could I find a permanent guy ? There is an unknown expiration date in everything that i do. I know the expiration date is soon, but even the specific date remains still undetermined. Living in a realm of unlimited possibilities, I start feeling lonely. I know nothing. I don’t really even know anyone here. So why do I wanna stay here and explore this barbaric city ? Since the break-up I got back to who I was. It was a slow transition through tears, alcohols and careless Tinder dates with American and international assholes residing in New York. Now, it is almost six months from that day that the world collapsed under my feet in Starbucks during a long distance phone call with my ex in Greece.
I loved him very much and it was a preety decent relationship. No severe drama, no ups and downs, no jealousy, just two happy normal people in a long distance relationship. He was so calming and normal. Thats what I miss the most about him. It is so hard to live inside the craziness of my head and it is rare to encounter someone so calm as he was, a fucking little Budha. It seemed like he never really cared a lot about anything, his entire life had been like a dead persons heart beat. Which for me was the most amazing thing in the world. He could calm my firecracker brain in seconds. And for the first time in my life I felt calm and safe. I was seriously considering staying with him forever and ever, cause being with him was like taking Zanax or smoking ten joints in a row. I didn’t really want to party, I didn’t care to go out with friends. All I wanted to do was lay in bed with him, have sex, watch movies and do my yoga. Or just book, couch and him playing the accordion in front of the fireplace. In the beginning all this was exciting, after 2 years it was just like curling into bed after a busy day, chill, calming and care free. What I did not realize in the process of falling deeply in love with him was the fact that i was indeed gradually losing myself. I was becoming boring, my intensity was gradually wearing out. And whenever I was super excited about something he could never really follow me through. In the end, I was so hypnotized by the entire relationship situation that he even had to break up with me. I was socked but I made it through. Like I always do. Like all of us do. Cause there is no other option, to be honest.
It seems like I am back on my feet. Exactly who I used to be. A strong, young, independent woman, focused on her studies, getting occasionally drunk , dating and texting with strangers from Tinder, OkCupid, making out with guys she met in bars, dancing on tables , having sometimes mind-blowing and sometimes boring sex , thinking of stuff in her head alone in the big city. So there you go, this is my version of a dating diary, my little sex and the city introduction to my single life in New York.
