Taking the wrong cues

a coffee journal

26–10–2023

Photo by Alysha Rosly on Unsplash

I have lost count of how many times I’ve spurred out untoward praise for a sugared latte here. It is like every time I have one after a long time, I feel that it was something that was missing for so long.
That thing worthwhile and important, lost in the oblivion of obsession with the dark — its sweetness only seemed like sin.
I don’t know for how long we’ll continue to feel guilty for the good things in life.

Photo by Caleb on Unsplash

Ah! Fine coffee. Dark notes with milk give off a natural, smoky chocolate flavor. The brown sugar brings in the molasses.

Self-doubt, self-hurt, and self-harm take so many forms and manifest as classic patterns and habits in us. These go on to become part of us as personality traits. Believing them to be our own individuality and donning them even on our proud days, we go on to create a life of living for ourselves. Anything and everything that ascertains and affirms, even remotely, these doubts, fears, or personality traits becomes the validating principles for us.

‘He can’t keep his word!’, Yes, I cannot.

‘You never pay back on time’, Yes, that is one flaw I have.

‘I am not worthy to take this forward’

‘She was better than you’…

And so on we go, breaking down and building back again from the same rubble. We find ourselves, lurkers in the dark, at a low point and take the loudest of the condescending voices as a guide.
If now and then a sweet, kind voice finds our ears, we’ll be dismissive, citing flattery, accepting modesty, or fearing suspicion. And the kind words would be put to waste.

‘You are really doing great. It’s not easy what you have managed!’, I don’t know.

‘Thank you for being the strong one. Good things await you’; I don’t know about that.

I can only imagine how many dreams have drowned between those lines. My heart is both heavy and light at the same time.

I finished my latte a while ago. It’s over like any other cup of coffee, and I don’t think that should mean more than it ever has to. I am glad that I got a good cup and was able to savor it as well.

Time to go to work.