The Unworthy Year, Good Riddance

Year in review: 2014 kind of sucked

I used to ride my bike in the cold.

I didn’t want to do this, but I didn’t have a choice. Where I live there’s not a lot of very cold weather, so there’s not a lot of preparation for it. So riding in the cold hurt. The atmosphere was painful.

The pain wasn’t sharp. It was dull. It was slow and growing. It was in the atmosphere so it was inescapable. Dull isn’t better. Being stabbed by a blunt knife doesn’t hurt less. It takes more work and it’s messier.

That’s how 2014 felt.

I’ve never tried so hard and failed so consistently intellectually, socially & creatively. I’ve failed harder before, but never more universally.

The Unworthy

For better or worse, what we think about ourselves is very much influenced by our abilities and the health and wealth of the relationships we have with others. Conversely, our abilities and the health and wealth of the relationships we have with others are very much influenced by what we think about ourselves. It can be a vicious or virtuous circle.

I use the word unworthy, not because 2014 wasn’t worth living—it was worthy. Rather because in 2014 I was unworthy. That’s what I thought about myself. More and more that’s how my circumstances defined me, and more and more that’s how I defined my circumstances. It’s a vicious circle. That was 2014.

Unworthy of what? Of time, of attention, of understanding, of empathy, of space, of success, of learning, of service, of talent, of affection, of help, of friendship, of love. Unworthy of any good thing.

Path to Unworthiness

How did this happen? I’m still trying to figure that out, but I have some ideas.

First, I’m very introverted. This isn’t necessarily a problem. But I’m also not very people oriented in the expression of my personality so I’m not very proactive socially. It’s very possible to be both introverted and people oriented in the expression of your personality, I happen not to be. This isn’t necessarily a problem.

But starting in 2013 and accelerating throughout 2014, my social situation changed in more and in different ways than had happened before in such a short time. These changes weren’t bad. But, socially, I’m slow so I didn’t keep up. The people I usually interact with are much faster socially. This could be a complementary pairing, but as it happened, it wasn’t.

So the changes in my social situation mainly resulted in me not having much of a social situation. Which was then met with my feeble retroactive attempts, which mostly didn’t work and just ended feeding into the vicious circle.

On top of this, I tried to do new things creatively and intellectually. But my abilities weren’t where I thought they were, or these things were harder than I thought, so they weren’t accomplished.

These three things kept happening. When I thought they were over, they’d start again. This was the growing ache of 2014. Nothing worked.

To Worthiness

Now 2014 is over. But calendars aren’t enchanted. They don’t perform miracles. So 2015 doesn’t fix anything, but 2015 can be for fixing things.

Honestly, I don’t know how I’ll get rid of unworthiness. But there are these haunting words: this is my commandment, that ye love one another, as I have loved you.

This was spoken by Jesus Christ. It’s a command, but it has implications. It’s a command to love. But it implies that people are worthy of being loved—no one gives commands they think aren’t worth doing. If Jesus says that you are worthy, then you are worthy. That’s the start.

I didn’t want to write this post, but it’s haunted my writing effort for half a year. So here it is. Perhaps I can get back to writing more now. 2014 is over, good riddance.

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