How to Play the Best Card Game in the World
It has an unfortunate name, but stay with me
I want to introduce you to my favorite card game. Regrettably, that game is called Shithead. I don’t know why it’s called that, and I’m sorry that I just had to type that word, and that you had to read it. But here we are.
Shithead, which I’m told is popular among backpackers, is a game of such quality, flexibility, and instant mass appeal that I hope that we can all just be adults about that terrible moniker and learn how to play, and then teach our friends (or nearby attractive backpackers) to play as well.
Shithead takes ten minutes to learn and about an hour to master. It takes up just enough brainpower to keep you occupied, but leaves enough in reserve that you can still be sociable with the other players. My brother’s British roommate taught him to play in college, and he taught me, and I've since shared it with friends, co-workers, and strangers. I've never gotten a bad review.
Also, if what’s below is just too verbose for your internet-ravaged attention span, check here for a four-minute YouTube lesson on an inferior, but passable, version of the game described below.
THE SETUP
This game works with anywhere between two and eight players, which is part of its beauty. If you have more than four players, you should add a second deck of cards. Pull the jokers out and shuffle the decks together. For the purpose of cleanup afterward I prefer using mismatched decks: one blue and one red, but whatever you have on hand will serve, as long as you have 52 cards per four players, or something reasonably close.
Also, there are a million ways to play this game, and everyone who knows it prefers their own. Having said that, everyone else is wrong, and what’s described below is the best way to play Shithead. So have a seat, I’m dealing.
THE DEAL
Stay with me for this part, which sounds more complex than it actually is. Each player is dealt three cards face down, in a row, and then six more cards, also down. The three cards will remain face down and untouched until the end of the game, while the six are collected by the players. A quick decision is made, and each player puts her three best cards on top of the three which are face down. We will go over how to identify the best cards below, but for now your hand will look something like this:
GAMEPLAY
Now we are ready to play. The player to the left of the dealer starts the game by laying down a card, face up. If that player has multiples of the same card, she has an option to play those at the same time. Players must always have at least three cards in their hands, until there aren't any left in the deck. So after playing a card, or cards, the players pick up the same number of cards from the top of the deck, up to three, and play shifts clockwise to the person to the left.
Each player must play a card that is equal to or of higher value than the last played card. So: if the card on the table is a Four, or a few Fours, then the player must lay down another four, or anything higher: Five through Ace. Suits don’t matter, and yeah, Aces are high.
Any time four cards of the same value are played at the same time, the deck is cleared, meaning that all played cards are permanently removed from play and added to a discard pile. Also, it’s possible to play combinations on the cards that have been played. If someone plays two Fours, and you play two more of them, you clear the deck. Then you bring the cards in your hand back up to three, if cards are still available, and you get to play again. But if it’s your turn and you don’t have any playable cards, then you must pick up all the played cards on the table and add them to your hand. The first person who plays all of her cards wins the round.
With me so far? Sure you are. There’s only one complication: the Trump Cards.
TRUMPS
So far this game sounds remedial, right? You’re thinking: hey thanks, if I’m ever in a situation where I need to entertain two to eight untalented children, this sounds like just the thing. Well, put your opinions to the side for a moment, because here’s the deal with that.
Shithead’s trump cards can serve as weapons, or as shields, or as tricks, or even as gifts. Trumps can form fragile alliances or be used for stunning betrayals. In short, the deployment of Shithead’s trump cards is why this game is fun. Let’s go through them one by one, in order of their magnificence.
The Deuce
A Deuce may be played at any time, other than against a Three. You can play a Deuce on an Ace: that is its superpower. It’s not a flashy or particularly strong play, but when you’re looking at an Ace on top of a tall stack of cards, and your hand contains a Six, a Jack, and a Deuce, you will be very glad that you have a Deuce. Also this will make life easier for next player, so a warm feeling will develop between the two of you. This love-fest will be shattered later when you deploy a high card or one of the stronger trumps, but it will be nice while it lasts.
The Nine
The Nine may be played at any time, other than against a Three. Again, this card is not particularly powerful, but it can get you out of a jam, and it makes life a little more interesting for the next player, who will not need to match or beat the card, but instead must play equal to or below it. It’s a trick, and in some specific situations, particularly in the endgame, it can be a killer. The magic only lasts for a single card, and gameplay resumes as normal for the next player.
The Ten
The Ten may be played at any time, other than against a Three, or a Nine. The Ten is played face up on the stack, and then, just as if a four-of-a-kind had been played, all those cards are removed permanently from play. And then you get to play again, hooray. The Ten is the relief card, and no one will ever be angry with you for playing it. When the cards on the table are stacking up, and everyone is trying to not be the unfortunate who will need to pick them all up, here comes the Ten, like balm on a sunburn.
The Three
This is the Fuck You card. The alpha and the omega. The nuclear weapon, but also the best defense. Stash these cards and hold them close. There are only four per deck and they are permanently discarded after use, so good luck if you don’t get any, or if you got greedy and played yours early.
The mighty Three allows you to do the most ruinous and delightful thing that it is possible to do in any card game. When a Three is played, it is not laid down on the other cards, but instead merely displayed to the next player, and then removed from play. If the recipient of the Three does not also have a Three, she must pick up the pile and add it to her hand. If she does have a Three of her own then she shows it to the next player, and the wave of pain keeps rolling around the table until it lands on someone who lacks a Three. See why this is fun?
The way that I learned to play Shithead includes a ritual for the Three, which requires the person deploying the Three to say something rude while doing so. It goes like this:
Scene: Interior: a FAMILY HOME. MOM, DAD, DAUGHTER, SON and ONE TO FOUR OTHER PEOPLE are sitting at a table loaded with various SNACKS and ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES. They are playing a card game called “Shithead.” The play comes around to DAUGHTER, who studies her hand briefly, and then dramatically produces a THREE CARD, which she shoves into SON’S FACE.
DAUGHTER:
Fuck yooooooou, Son!
SON:
[Clutching at his chest.]
Aaaaah, argh, ack, no… how could you, we are family…
DAUGHTER:
[Cold-hearted laughter.]
SON:
Oh, wait a minute. Hey Mom…
[SON’S MISERY was a RUSE. He mimes looking carefully through the cards in his hand, and then, with a DRAMATIC FLOURISH, produces his own THREE CARD, which he put directly under MOM’S NOSE.]
MOM:
Wait, what, NOOOOO…
JOHN:
Fuck yooooooooooooooooooooou, Mom!
MOM:
No, I am your mother, it’s not fair, why didn't I keep a Three in my hand…
MOM ruefully adds the played cards to her hand, and her turn is skipped. Gameplay shifts to DAD, who looks relieved.
Scene.
So yeah, that’s how the Three works.
ENDGAME
Eventually there won’t be any cards left in the deck, so the players will stop adding cards to their hands as they play them. When a player has no cards left in her hand, she plays the three face-up cards which were selected at the beginning of the round, with the standard rules: one at a time, or at once if they have the same value. See why you put your best cards there? You did that because now you are in the clutch, and you can smell victory in the air. You need your best cards for this part.
When the face-up cards have been played, the player moves on to the three face-down cards, one at a time, and, as a final delicious twist, plays those cards blind: selecting one per play at random like Three-card Monte. This is when Shithead makes a dramatic left turn: shifting from being an amusing trifle to a white-hot crucible of drama, rich with the thrill of victory and agony of defeat. When someone gets down to the blinds the entire table turns against them, even propping one another up so that the player to the left can spike the ball with a nice tasty trump: a Three, or a suddenly indispensable Nine. Allegiances mutate rapidly as some players get close to the end while others get buried under blizzards of cards. The first person to play her final blind card wins the round.
SCORING, IF YOU FIND IT NECESSARY
You can just repeat the above until you’re bored, but if you are in-advisably serious about your Shithead, you can also choose to keep score over multiple hands, which works this way:
When a player wins she get zero points, and each of the other players add up the cards remaining in their hands, as well as any unplayed cards from their face-up or face-down stack. Values per card are:
- Trump cards: zero points
- Standard cards: five points.
- Face cards: ten points.
- Aces: fifteen points.
The game is entirely over when one of the players reaches an agreed-upon high score; often five hundred, and at that point the player with the lowest score is the winner. Or you can just agree to play a set number of hands, and whoever is lowest at the end of those wins.
But if you haven’t got the attention span for all of that… well, believe me, I understand how you feel. In fact, you seem sort of cool. Want to play cards some time?
