100 Days of Bitchslap Journaling day 1

100 Days of Bitchslap Journaling day 1

The Original Btitchslap

I missed Friday entirely and while I won’t make excuses, I will say that I spent a long long morning on the phone with a dear friend who just lost her familiar and after that, I passed out and slept a long time. Both out of exhaustion and depression, so Friday was a day of self-care for me. But today is a new day. Back to the Bitchslapping.

This prompt knocked me sideways; I don’t think I’ve ever really looked at what I need and what I desire. I have been living my life flowing from one deficiency to the next, barely feeding an immediate need, muscling through other deficiencies until they became alarming. I don’t eat until I’m “starving”, I don’t seek closeness or intimacy until I am aching from loneliness, I don’t even seek spiritual aid until I feel cut off and disconnected.

(edit: I had to move stuff A LOT. Do I ever really look at my needs and desires? Because this was a lot of contemplation. I sat with each topic, echoed it in my head and looked at how it made me feel, that’s how I determined the placement. Good gracious, LOL)

First pinch and I ain’t even started yet.

The Original Bitchslap:

I Desire…

Power. Hey, I am going for 100% honesty and transparency here. Yes, I like power. I like control (in certain settings), I like being a mover and shaker, making things happen. I want the throne. Not gonna lie about it, I have been pretty honest with folks in my life- if there is a vacuum in leadership, best believe I will take over and run that bitch. (Libra Sun, Aquarius Moon, LEO Rising) I can live without some measure of control, but it is uncomfortable for me, I do not prefer it. Hmm, this almost feels like a need, maybe a strong desire?

Control. In the bedroom, I am happy to take a submissive role, but everywhere else? I’m the boss bitch and trust me, you won’t forget it. Control to me is almost a borderline need and the reason is self-preservation. Trust is hard for me. On one hand, I give my heart easily, I give a certain level of trust away freely and have gotten severely burned for it, but I never want to become the shut off person I feel I am already, I give second, third, twelfth chances because I never want to give up on someone (mostly because I never want folks to give up on me), so controlling the variables gives me a sense of predictability- people will screw you, it is inevitable, but the degree of damage can be managed if I control EVERYTHING. How is that working for me, you ask? Not well. LOL

I Need…

Validation. First and foremost, even more than love, because in my experience, love is often used to manipulate so I tend to shy away from deep emotions. To me, having a strong sense of who I am and that I am authentic, knowledgeable, and being able to be of use to the world is my primary motivator for action. I hate to sound calculating, but my cusp Virgo presents with Athena energy. I am a battle strategist and I very much see my path to self worth as a battle.

Truth. Even if it hurts, even if it is unkind, I need truth. I won’t like it, but in my core I abhor lies. I tend to lie to myself every now and then, which spurs a downward spiral that leads to me doing some kind of introspective work until I purge the lie. I haven’t always been happy with my truth. Goddess knows, I have been confronted with a number of nasty revelations about myself and my character that have really pinched, like too tight metal underwear, but I have to know the truth. If I am responsible for my energy, how can I respond appropriately not knowing it?

To Be of Service. Goddess bless the Virgo, the astrological sign of the Hospitality Hostess. Virgos are the servers of the zodiac, our critical and analytic thinking is used primarily to align us with the greatest good we can perform (this is a generalization, and just like all generalizations [see what I did there?] there are variances in veracity). In my heat, I know I am meant to serve, the need, the drive to be of service is so strong that for a long time, I was a part of the online Gorean community, not because I am weak or a doormat, but because serving was my greatest joy. It still is, though these days, my Leo rising-ness prohibits me from being on my knees to serve. Nothing wrong at all with being submissive, there is joy to be had in it if that is your nature, just for me, I begin to fully realize that it was the act of service that drew me, not the servitude if that makes sense.

Love. Ah gods. I hate this, but apparently I do need it. I fought reallllly hard to stick this in Desires but my gut won’t let me. Ok, ok, I get it. I need love. But I don’t want that possessive, restrictive obsession people call love. I want love that is secure, stable, and able to sustain without clinging. I fear being trapped by that obsessive crazy, as much as folks talk about wanting someone who desires them with passion beyond reason, that scares the shit out of me and all I want o do is run. I am very lucky. My primary is my husband of over 13 years, we have built a stable love that supports us in our mental struggles and does not make me feel weak or trapped, my secondary is a new relationship, just one year old, but he challenges me on emotional levels that my Capricorn isn’t built for. My Cancer husband 1b helps me confront my fear of emotions by challenging my ideas about love and intimacy, but in a way that celebrates my Air sign nature, and doesn’t stifle it.

\I Expect…

Equivalent Exchange. As idealistic and unlikely as this is, I expect to be treated like I treat others. If I do for you, I have an expectation that you’ll do for me. There are some exceptions, I believe in charity, in Acts of Random Kindness, but for the most part, if I support and respect you, I expect that you will support and respect me. This has gotten me into a load of trouble and I am trying to get in the habit of having no expectations, but I feel that having no expectations of people is rude and actually counter intuitive. I expect your best. I accept your worst, but I expect your best and I hope that you’d expect my best in return. I want the very best for you. If you are in my life at all, even just a FB friend, I want the best for you and more than that, I want you to want it for yourself.

I still have work to do on this, finding a balance between loving and wanting the best and having unrealistic expectations of people. But I am working on it.

Honesty with/from Others. Don’t bullshit me, blow smoke up my ass. Don’t Ever Lie To Me! I do plenty of that to myself, thanks. I prefer people who are blunt and honest. Don’t get me wrong, I HATE being called to the carpet, but once my tantrum is over; I very much appreciate and am grateful for the external bitchslap. I am a hard head, loving me is tough as I require things which are contradictory and mutually exclusive. Honesty and diplomacy, bitter truth and kindness. These are a few of my favorite things.

Honesty with Self. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

This will require a WHOLE Bitchslap on its own.

To get what I Desire, I Need to…

Focus on my inner calm. I define Power as that state achieved when all around you is utter chaos, yet your peace is unaffected. THAT is true power, in my opinion and it is something devoutly to be wished. Maintain a journaling practice, do more mindfulness exercises, better my shielding, set boundaries and stop letting toxic leeches drain my happiness away like fucking Dementors. Be grateful when appropriate, be righteously angry when appropriate, and stop expecting unrealistic outcomes from people struggling in their own growing pains. Let It Go

To get what I Need, I Desire to…

I will revisit this. I’ve been at this over two hours and the depth of stuff I am getting has just had me in tears. Since its my birthday and I have 8 hours of rituals ahead of me, I’ll come back to this tonight and wrap up. I am grateful for this process.

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