My missing puzzle piece

I am 29 years old and I am Autistic (Asperger’s).

I found out five weeks ago.

Technically I have an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) Level 1 but I identify with Asperger’s so that’s what I’m going with. I also hate the word ‘disorder’ - there’s nothing wrong with me. I am not out of order like some piece of machinery in need of repairs to be fully functional.

I’d always known there was something different about me but I never knew what exactly.

Three years ago I worked with an autistic person and the more I observed their behaviour, the more I realised we had a lot in common. I did some research and I kind of just dismissed what I found and sat on it for around 2 years. I don’t know why I did that. Maybe I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind to receive news like that. It wasn’t until I confided in a neurodiverse friend of mine that I started to take the idea of pursuing a formal diagnosis seriously. My friend encouraged me to get a neuropsychological assessment done. She said if there was something there to be found, a diagnosis would help me to understand it and she was right! I spent almost 30 years hating myself over my differences and when people told me I was a horrible person I believed them. The diagnosis was the first step away from the destructive thinking that has plagued me my entire life.

The first four weeks after I found out were a mixed bag of sadness, anger and relief.

I mourned the life I could have had. I cried over the years of bullying at the hands of teachers, students, doctors and other kid’s parents who should have known better. I was angry at the bullies and even angrier that I wasn’t diagnosed sooner. Finally, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. I was relieved to know that there is a reason for the way I am. I was relieved to know that I am not a monster. I am not a bad person. After the grief and anger started to fade, I was able to stand up a little straighter and walk significantly lighter footsteps.

Am I still sad? A little. Am I angry? Not so much. I’ve reached the point where I am ready to embrace who I am and all the amazing things I can do thanks to my brilliantly formed brain. I have found my missing puzzle piece.

Where to from here?

I don’t know yet, but I'm starting this blog to help me find my way and I'm hoping you’ll come with me.

This article was first published on my missing piece .