Ma nuit chez maude (1969) / eric rohmer

Marriage à la française

How to (re)introduce desire into married life

Inspired by Elaine Scoliono’s book on how the French master the art of seduction, I decided to put my doctorate of French to work in my long-term relationship. About 2 years after this experiment, we got married. Here’s what I learned about Frenching-up American relationships:

1. Put your pants back on, especially in the bedroom. I was intrigued by Ariele Dombasle’s advice in Scoliono’s book about never letting your lover see you naked ‘except in his arms.’ Being a domestic naturist, I have made this mistake many times in my relationships. While being comfortable naked with your partner during breakfast or reading the paper may be proof of emotional intimacy, indiscriminate naked time make you take the beauty and availability of your partner’s body for granted. Forbidden fruit tastes much sweeter.
2. Dress the part. French men and women know that you dress for those who see you. I think this also reflects back to how you see yourself. What woman in a committed relationship hasn’t fallen prey to the sweatpants uniform? If you want a more exciting sex life, then act like it. Invest in your lounge and bedtime wardrobe. Choose sensual fabrics, flattering silhouettes, things that make you feel sexy or things you know your partner might like. My husband loves the look of makeup in the morning, so occasionally I’ll leave it on when I go to bed. I never mind sacrificing good skincare for a little fun.
3. Create a boudoir. The best inspiration here comes from Old Regime France. Think Dangerous Liaisons or anything by Balzac. At the beginning of my experiment, I had gotten used to treating our bed as a place for naps, reading, and worse, brooding. A good many American couples spend more time watching TV in the bed than anything else. Such activities can only dilute the seductive potential of the bedroom, which for the French is a privileged sexy space. Pay attention to the area around your bed, and the bed itself. Consider moving your TV somewhere else. Get rid of the magazine and book clutter. If you can, splurge on nice-looking and feeling sheets and pillows. Cultivate a sensual decor however you like. Introduce candles, incense, appealing images, enticing literature, anything that will get you and your partner in a sexy mood.
4. Close the bathroom door. French homes usually have a tiny WC or toilet in a separate space from the bathroom, with good reason. Those of us in long-term American relationships know that over the years, it is all to easy to dissolve public-private bathroom boundaries. For heaven’s sake, keep whatever you do in the bathroom, be it grooming, or calls of nature, to yourself. Exposing your partner to these unsexy moments will likely pollute his or her perception of your body.
5. Start dating. Dates are not going to the grocery store, or picking out a gift for your friend, or going to the beach with your dog. In France, going out whether to the movies or theater, or to dinner or for a drink, is still very much an event. When I lived in Paris, I would marvel at the number of older couples enjoying a romantic cocktail or late dinner à deux. Pretend that you and your partner are still dating, and trying hard to keep impressing one another. Forget the double date. Leave your dog (or the kids) at home. And this one is important: leave your phones at home. Go someplace new, perhaps a place based what you remember once finding romantic, or what other people consider romantic. Be cheesy. Be spontaneous. Be splashy. Pay attention to one another, and the food and the wine and the view. Hold hands. Play footsie.
6. Flirt Openly. The film Ma Nuit Chez Maude (My Night at Maude’s) exemplifies the sophisticated art of French flirtation. In France, social life is almost always mixed; it’s uncommon to see groups of just women or just men. And at parties, it is unthinkable for men go off to one room and women to another. I’m suggesting flirting in the strict sense of the term, not to be confused with hitting on or swinging. For once in my life, I have the luck of being with a partner who is as flirtatious as I am, and not the slightest bit jealous of other men or women. Ours is just a friendly flirtation, but it’s more affection than the average American finds acceptable. My husband claims to be genuinely flattered when others stare or flirt with me. The more superficial or casual the attention he gets, the better. When I learn that women or men were flirting with my husband, I feel a tinge of pride.
7. Act more, talk less. In average French movies, there will usually be a sex scene within the first 5-10 minutes. It’s not because they like sex more than Americans. While we often see sex as a big event, the French view sex as a ordinary albeit enjoyable part of life and storytelling. After a first sex scene, you can expect at least 2 more. A lot of couples stay together because they communicate well, which is great. But this can lead to analyzing and theorizing more about sex than actually practicing it. There have been a number of ‘just do it’ experiments for committed couples that prove the efficacy of this strategy. Even quickies or scheduled rendezvous can lead to more sexual intimacy. Many long-term couples are literally out of touch. With more practice, sex becomes easier and better in time.
8. Go away. The logic here to is get out of your comfort zone. And this is something the French excel at. The cult comedy Les Bronzés (French Fried Vacation) is the most hilarious example of the Club Med cliché. Granted, it’s easier to break away to exotic, affordable locales if you live in France, and have their 4-week long vacations. For Americans, day trips work if a weekend is too much to ask. Camping at a nearby lake or forest, or even a picnic or scenic drive can stimulate the spirit of adventure. Getting away gives you both something to look forward to, fantasize about, and returns you to the intoxicating discovery stage of early courtship.
9. Maintain mystery. In erotic French stories, from Emannuelle to O, one of the partners must be kept in the dark. This is a critical part of French-style seduction. I was very tempted to get my husband in on the experiment since we are both committed self-improvement artists. Taking a cue from my fictional inspiration made me realize that if my scheme was going to work, I had to keep my strategies mysterious and the experiment a secret. At the beginning, when he asked why I had started to wear clothes to bed, I just smiled and said I was just trying something different. When my nighttime wear shifted from cotton to silk, lycra to lace, he stopped asking questions.

If you enjoyed this piece, please ‘recommend’ it with a quick click on the green button below.