My Music: Chance The Rapper and the Feelings I May Have Wasted

This one is going to be pretty personal but I can’t wait for it to be shared for some reason.

This will be about a girl that I loved and cared about deeply, I still do, so obviously I will be keeping her completely anonymous.

No Mr. Schwartz, she isn’t in our 7th hour.

You know those songs where you just feel like every word applies to you, like the song is literally about you or a situation you’re in. I’m not talking about these stupid love songs written by pretty boys who keep their lyrics so purposefully vague for the sake of marketing to horny young teenage girls. I’m talking about descriptive anecdotal ballads that can hit you in the one soft spot on your heart left.

For me this song is Same Drugs by Chance The Rapper. If you judge this song by the title, it’s not what you think it is, drugs is a metaphor for life, and the whimsies that it can potentially entail.

So without further ado lets jump right into the lyrics shall we,

When did you change?
Wendy you’ve aged
I thought you’d never grow up
I thought you’d never

When I first got to know this girl she was bright eyed and radiating with joy. Thats still their a little bit I guess but it’s so watered down and it really feels forced as its uses haven’t been properly applied. Of course it’s unfair to expect this type of whimsy all the time, but its part of the reason I was so taken by her, I was swept away in the joy that she made me feel. That’s gone now, and that agonizes me.

Window closed, Wendy got old
I was too late, I was too late
A shadow of what I once was

So right off the bat we really liked each other, but we also didn’t know much about each other, so during the period of time when I could’ve originally been courting her she was pretty much set to be in a relationship with someone else. And then she was. For 9 months. Unfortunately, she grew up much faster in those 9 months than I’d ever pray for someone of such true, innate spiritual, social, and visual beauty.

It’s not like me to get stuck, especially on a girl who’s dating someone else, but their was just something about her, I couldn’t put my finger on it. It truly nearly drove me insane, at times it felt like I didn’t want myself to be happy.

Cause we don’t do the same drugs no more
We don’t do the, we don’t do the same drugs, do the same drugs no more
She don’t laugh the same way no more
We don’t do the, we don’t do the same drugs, do the same drugs no more

Fast forward to present day. I’ve probably asked her out 4 times. I don’t think I ever had a shot after she broke up with that boy I mentioned earlier. For the longest time I just couldn’t shake my feelings, and I fear I may have permanently damaged what was a pretty amazing and enlightening friendship.

We. Just. Can’t. Get. On. The. Same. Page.

Where did you go?
Why would you stay?

So this line is actually kind of interesting in that they are portraying 2 people asking each other dueling questions. Both very applicable to my own situation.

Where did you go?- Me, begging for answers, why was I left alone in this place of these feelings

Why would you stay?- Her, wanting to know why I just can’t drop these feelings and move on so that we can have a real, substantive friendship.

This, ladies and gentleman, is 2 people who want their cake and eat it too, but in different ways. They are not on the same page. We haven’t been on the same page.

You must have lost your marbles
You always were so forgetful

This is actually kinda funny because she is totally forgetful.

This line is also very indicative of just not understanding her thought process, which is very much where I’ve been at.

Though, I do understand that since we are in high school, she’s more likely to look for fun overall versus a serious relationship, which I guess make sense, that’s just not really the way I roll.

In a hurry, don’t wait up
I was too late, I was too late
A shadow of what I once was

Again, I’ve been kind of left in the emotional dust and told not to wait up for her, often specifically by her.

Honestly A1 advice that I really just have a hell of a challenge actually following through with.

Cause we don’t, we don’t do what we say we’re gonna
You were always perfect, and I was only practice

I don’t know if she totally realizes this, but she has flirted with me quite a bit. I think it’s just kind of in her nature, other times its purposefully and as a joke, but my brain always used to immediately want to go into this place of hope, sadly I am merely just practice.

Don’t you miss the days, stranger?
Don’t you miss the days?
Don’t you miss the danger?

Honestly there wasn’t that much danger but there was the good old days. Granted they were only a few months ago, but what do you expect, I’m 15.

I do ever so miss the days though.

Don’t forget the happy thoughts
All you need is happy thoughts

My inner monologue. O, my inner monologue how you save me once more.

If you couldn’t tell, I am an analyzer, and often times this causes me to get tunnel vision in such matters, putting me in a pretty dark place. However, I’m older, stronger, my life is pretty great, and as long I know I have my people, and most importantly myself to fall back on, I’m always going to be okay.

Wide eyed kids being kids
When did you stop?

If she ever finds this, theirs a good chance she may take issue with the fact that I’m accusing her of not being in such a place of a wide eyed child, but she really isn’t.

Which sucks because thats the her I love, that the her that she loves. It really feels like she’s gone sometimes.

She would often be able to bring the child out of me too. It really feels like he’s gone sometimes too.

Where did you go to end up right back here?
When did you start to forget how to fly?

I too see line as posing a separate question both for me and her.

The first being for me, my stagnant mindset and lackluster attempts to try and shift them that rarely go anywhere.

The other one for her, as her innate, inborn self is drained out little by little in the perceived pursuit of finding her grown self.

Don’t you color out
Don’t you bleed out, oh
Stay in the line, stay in the line
Dandelion

So called maturity can often do this. Drain out the little bits of noncritical joy that we used to hold on to so tightly, and replaces them with needs that we didn’t know we had to have. Leaving our more whimsical pursuits in the past, a distant memory that we often don’t even know is there.