Stepping out the door…
I am not a writer. I hated writing reports, essays, resumes, etc. I always wanted to start a blog but never had the time and quite frankly, wasn’t a priority. But today is different…. and I will tell you why.
As of late, I have been feeling very down. My professional life, for the most part, is pretty good. Are there changes that I’d like to make? Sure, who doesn’t want to improve their career or make some kind of change? My personal life though, could be better.
For the past nearly 30 years of my life, I have struggled to find my place in the world. Now, I think most people have to some degree or another. After all, isn’t that part of life? We all want connection, love, purpose, etc. To want these things is human and quite frankly it is needed.
I am biracial (black and white) but largely raised in a religious white culture in Texas as I lost connection to my black side when my dad left. Naturally, this resulted in me having a combination of self-esteem issues and just uncertainty in who I am. I felt as if I was forced to live in a culture that wouldn’t fully accept me and make me feel like I had to be something I simply could never be.
It has always been weird because I don’t really hate myself as one with low self-esteem would. I believe that I am a quality human being. I am not unattractive, have a great job, very responsible, volunteer regularly at charities, genuinely want to only do positive things in the world, well educated, and so on. I do have quite a few personality quirks which can be seen as “weird” but are ultimately harmless (e.g. I like to spout out random facts that I have learned).
All in all, I think I am a great guy! My problem is that I feel a disconnect as I feel like being a great guy, I shouldn’t feel this alone all the time. My issue is less low self-esteem and more general confusion. Now in turn, my logical brain tells me “well if I have these great qualities but no one wants me, surely I must be defective to some degree”.
These beliefs may or may not effect my behavior around people. Now I never reveal these feelings to new people that I meet. These tend to be feelings I keep to myself unless with someone I trust. I do make a concerted effort though to put my best foot forward when meeting new people though.
Anyway, after much thought, I decided that maybe I need to move somewhere else. Texas is a weird state that is backwards in a lot of ways. Perhaps a change of environment will help and maybe I can find my people (whatever that is). I have mulled over this for a few years and finally decided to pull the trigger and move.
I was so excited and scared at the same time. My whole life I have only known Texas. I was born and raised in San Antonio and then moved to Austin as an adult. Those two cities are only separated by something like 80 miles. You can make a day trip of the cities. Now I am talking about moving to the West Coast!
The month of moving approaches and the cold feet sets in. Do I really want to do this? Well I already turned in my 60 days notice to my apartment so no going back with them. There isn’t enough time to find a new place in Austin. Do I really want to move to this new city or maybe another one? Will I find the things I am looking for? Am I making the wrong decision? I don’t know, it’s all so complicated.
I decided to do something outrageous. I am going to put all of my stuff into storage, move out as planned, but instead of moving into a new place, I am going to live a nomad lifestyle until the end of 2016. My job is a remote job so as long as I have reliable WiFi, I can work pretty much wherever I want. I will be saving money in not having to pay things like rent and utilities so I can just put that money towards lodging and travel.
I decided to go for it! 1 month in America visiting family, friends, coworkers, etc. followed by 5 months in Asia and Australia. The plan is to use this time to disconnect from the world I know, and get to know myself.
The reason I write this blog is to open up and share my thoughts and stories. Maybe in sharing my personal journey as I take this crazy trip across Asia, those of you with similar issues may start to feel better about your lives.
