True Nature Revealed: Domme Self Discovery
It was probably around four in the morning when the phone had been silent for a few minutes. I heard an almost inaudible answer when I asked if the boy on the other end of the line was still awake. He was hundreds of miles away. Sleep was something neither of us needed as much as we needed each other. I needed his devotion to me, to know he was waiting by his phone until I called, to know he went to incredible lengths just to contact me. I needed this odd feeling, something I had no words for. His timid shyness awoke a predatory urge in me, he was mine as a rabbit is a tiger’s prey. I had him entirely in my hands. And yet… I didn’t.
We were very young, I was about 18 and he was 15, and our relationship was quite platonic (as far as he knew). He lived across the country and we wrote letters for nearly a year before I caught him in my web, then we talked by telephone every day. For years we called one another, staying up for hours on the phone, and as time passed we both started to grow into young adults. He began to make friends, then he had a girlfriend, and I started to have boyfriends of my own, but our friendship and long conversations by telephone never ceased. While his world began to open in front of him and his experiences and relationships grew, I felt helplessly and deeply that I wanted him all to myself. I wanted to create our own secret place where I could keep him hidden from the world, to exist only for myself and for my pleasure.
I concealed these feelings for a very long time. These thoughts were “controlling” and “crazy”, “unhealthy”. Meanwhile I began engaging in destructive and meaningless relationships. I had no idea what a “domme” was, and I certainly couldn’t understand that these impulses inside of me, my instincts towards my boy, were manifestations of our suppressed dynamic. I lived my adolescent life without this awareness and suffered years of profound torment, confusion and chaos. Now after more than a decade since this boy and I met, entirely by accident, we have discovered our true nature.
The day when I finally told my boy that I loved him I knew very little of how he felt toward me. We were both in long term relationships when I told him and then suddenly, with only a few words, the world as it had existed began to shift. Separated by mountains, plains, rivers and countless miles, our spirits, awakened by my affirmation, summoned our union. No long roads could possibly separate us, no force of man or nature or time would bar our path. The old realms of our existence quickly began to dissolve and within months.. we were finally united. He was barely eighteen then. “I want you here.” I said and he obeyed. Our relationship was still platonic but when he arrived we began exploring our desires for each other. His unique reaction to my touch and to my voice, the look in his eyes, the surrender of his control, I would find nearly a decade later, was the other half of our unknown nature.
I procured our apartment, furnished it, and waited until he arrived. I imagined my dreams of him, my boy pet, in my apartment and hidden from the world. He was (and still is) an amazingly beautiful creature. It began to feel like I had captured a myth, and I wanted him to belong to me. Religion, a male dominated society and popular culture, however, had corrupted my instincts. Truthfully, I was poisoned. What kind of person could feel this way? What demon inside me would desire this? My very traditional religious upbringing forced me to concede to guilt and self doubt.
The strength of our bond endured despite this unnatural suppression but for ten years its effects had consequences for both of us. We were happy, but something wasn’t right. I tried desperately to fit the traditional role of the good submissive wife and my boy also tried to be the typical dominant male. We both suffered. We lived that way until only a few months ago, on New Year’s eve.
We were lying in bed talking, waiting for the clock to strike midnight when the conversation turned and he began to act very self conscious. After much prodding, he admitted very shyly that he would like me to “tell him what to do”. Suddenly my mind and heart were racing. “Like… all the time?” I asked instinctively, my heart beating faster. “…yes.” he replied softly, reluctant with his face buried in my shoulder. We explored this idea for hours, well into the morning. We didn’t have words or names for it. He told me about a program he had heard on the radio that had passingly mentioned a kind of relationship where one person has complete control over the other, all the time. They were called “Dominant” and “Submissive”. It seems almost impossible that we had no language for this until now. These two words had extraordinary power and suddenly, for the second time in our lives together, a few simple words have triggered an immense transformation. The world as it had existed has again started to shift. This grand metamorphoses as it unfolds has slowly started to reveal our true forms and I realize now that even when we were very young, this primal magnetism had drawn us together against great odds and distances. Now we are finally free to explore each other fully. How strange and empowering, to have this beautiful, altered state of mind called subspace, described in detail, something he had experienced his whole life, yet something he couldn’t understand or name! How strange and empowering to have my boy fully surrender to me, after this long improbable adventure of ours and finally kneel at my feet like the pet I always envisioned him to be.
Again, the old realms of our existence are fading. I am finally confident that I can become the dominant woman of my fate and vision. We are taking it slowly. The curiosity and the exploration is electric with the life and desires that were hidden within us and we can now finally fulfill our roles that we were destined to experience together. We can finally be who we are, who we have always been, together.