Parenting with Mental Illness

I imagine every parent feels this nagging voice in their head that questions if they are doing things right. Whether or not they are being the best parents they can be. Are the kids eating enough of the right foods? Are they sleeping enough? I guess its normal and healthy to worry. The worry shows how much you care for your children. But with mental illness that worry can turn into paranoia, depression, and obsession so fast.

My son was diagnosed with autism when he was 5. The diagnosis came as a shock to us. I felt like I must have been the worlds worst mother for many reasons. I felt so upset that it took us so many years to realize. I felt it was my fault. I must have done something wrong. I didn’t eat the right foods while pregnant or breastfeeding. I felt something in me did this to him, my sweet child. I hated and blamed myself for years.

I was diagnosed with bipolar a few years later, but the time between his diagnosis and mine were rocky. I spent many nights in deep depression and self-hate. Some nights the only thing that brought me out of it was knowing that in the morning, regardless of what was or wasn’t my fault, I had to be the best mom I could going forward. No matter how hard my husband tried to convince me otherwise, I couldn’t shake those thoughts.

Eventually, it escalated into the thoughts of my family being better off without me. I remember sitting at my desk sobbing about everything. I remember all of my thoughts flowing back and forth. I cried because I loved my family so much and…