Diary entry: 25th August 2016

Today is the fourth day of our trip and we are in Corsica. The island is one of the most beautiful places I have seen. We are living in a cozy little apartment by the beach in Bastia. The girl I like is with me, but to her, I’m pretty much non-existant.

Every time I look at her, I’m reminded of how much I love her and that just gets me depressed as she has no inkling of feeling that way about me.

Come to think of it, I think I have been suffering from depression for the past eight months, or longer. It is not clinically diagnosed, of course. I’m still only toying with the idea of going to a psychiatrist. But I have read all about clinical depression on the Internet and feel like I tick all the symptom boxes. I oscillate between excessive sleep and insomnia, I have pretty much lost interest in everything in life and have just been going through the routines. Take out the routines and I am lost and will lose my head. I had meticulously planned my year and set up a day planner template at the start of the year which I am just following now. Simply because that helps move from one day to the next. Getting something done on that list doesn’t make me feel excited or accomplished at all. In fact, it doesn’t evoke any feeling in me. Complete apathy. Like I don’t care either way.

I have been the same way with friends and family as well. Despite the selfish and stubborn and uncaring asshole that I am, I still have people that love me. Only some, but they are there. And it kills me to think that I’m such a disappointment to them. Also, these few people that love me are mostly people who have seen me for long enough and are either looking out for my best interests or have seen my better days and want me to be that way.

Although, many times, I’m fairly convinced that nobody understands me. Not even the people that love me. Mainly because I’m not always honest with them about how I feel. Or what I’m thinking. I am happy to just let them think what they like and not correct them even if I don’t think like them. Although that’s changing ever so slowly.

I often find myself retreating into a shell and not really interacting with those around me. I can manage professional relationships and transactional relationships. Because there is negligible emotional attachment there. I do not offer a piece of myself to anyone.

But it is only with this girl now that I have thrown caution to the wind and have opened up, even if it is only slightly. I have told her personal things about me that nobody else knows, like some of the things I’m writing here. I’ve given her flowers and gifts. I’ve been her friend and supported her through rough periods. I compliment her often. I flirt with her. I write poems to her. And I’ve told her that I love her. Yet, she barely notices me.

Maybe it isn’t meant to be. People are different and appreciate different things and like people for different reasons. And I can understand it if she doesn’t like me that way. No big deal. I have been that way with other girls who have liked me and have rationalized that behavior. Maybe it’s right, maybe it’s wrong. I don’t know. But I think it is acceptable.

But what I don’t like is the way it is making me feel. I am sinking lower and lower. Even though my logical brain accepts it, my subconscious doesn’t and it is always seeking to do something about it. It takes immense discipline on my part to not act on it. And I have to constantly exercise that discipline every minute of every hour of every day. And that is HARD. I falter from time to time. Even if it is a one in hundred times, that amounts to a few times a day. Which is far too often when I think from her perspective.

Later in the night…

I spoke to my best friend about all this and he thinks I should see a psychiatrist. He also thinks I need more appreciation and need to be loved, which I agree with. I spend so much time pretending that I’m someone else with everyone around me that I can’t be sure who really loves me, who would stick with me when they know all the truth about me.

I think that is my biggest problem. That I’m not honest with anyone about how I feel. My default act is to pretend. To pretend that everything is great and put on a mask. And say things that I don’t necessarily mean. And promise things I don’t intend on delivering. I need to start saying no. No to people that I don’t like, no to things that I don’t like. No shades of Grey. Black or white. I either do something wholeheartedly or I don’t do it at all.