Job interview with a recent graduate

Can you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Sure, where to start? I currently work at a nonprofit, called Crunching Leaves, as an administrative assistant. Crunching Leaves does great work: We actually rescue woodland creatures and provide them with healthy fruits and vegetables and teach them English. They even have a GED program for the older creatures and it’s an incredible initiative.

Before Crunching Leaves, where I’ve been for a little over a year, I was in school, so this is my first job other than that time I slept on my parents’ couch on the sun porch, and mowed their lawn for $25 a week — my stepdad still had to do it over every time I finished, which I felt kind of guilty about but also like, it’s grass dude. I once heard my mom and him whispering in the kitchen and she was defending me so hard, almost in tears, so I let it go on for about six months — ignorance is bliss, right — until my stepdad exploded at me on his birthday over a Funfetti sheet cake my mom made. That’s when I was like, ok yeah I’m not welcome here anymore.

You’re a recent graduate, and you went to—

I went to this place you’ve never heard of but I SWEAR IT’S A REALLY GOOD SCHOOL HERE PULL UP THE COLLEGE BOARD WEBSITE AND WE CAN LOOK AT THE ACCEPTANCE RATE. PULL UP PICTURES, THERE ARE BUILDINGS COVERED IN IVY AND PEOPLE MEASURING THINGS IN GRADUATED CYLINDERS. IT’S A LIBERAL ARTS SCHOOL SO I KNOW A LOT ABOUT HUMANITIES BUT ALSO TOOK A COUPLE NATURAL SCIENCE COURSES LIKE THE “SCIENCE OF SOUND,” VERY USEFUL. AND OF COURSE I PURSUED MANY INTERESTS WHILE THERE, LIKE FAIR TRADE COFFEE AND ETHICAL GLOBALIZATION (DOES THAT EXIST WE CAN DISCUSS THAT CONCERN LATER ALONG WITH THE ONE TIME I SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED THE PEACE CORPS BUT REALIZED I WAS TOO LAZY BUT TOLD PEOPLE IT WAS BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS “PROBLEMATIC”) AND IT’S RATED LIKE THE BEST VALUE IN THE COUNTRY SO CONSIDER ME SMART FOR TAKING OUT ONLY $50,000 INSTEAD OF $200,000. HA. I AM THE CLEAR WINNER. :)

Furthermore, I majored in geography, so I learned how to make a map in Microsoft Paint. I had a ton of research projects, but to be honest most of my classes were just like, “Hey, what’s your guys’ favorite Clif Bar flavor?” but then later people got into KIND Bars which is when I started struggling a little bit. I think I came into my own when I added the sociology minor and started getting high and going to frat parties for fun — that was actually the focus of my senior thesis, happy to share at any point.

Great, thanks. So why are you looking for a new position?

At Crunching Leaves, I literally never got to get my hands dirty, which is fine, I’m an administrative assistant, but my responsibilities are more, how do you say it, “back end”? As in, mind numbing and offensive — like, seriously guys? Do you know that I once held a 200-person rally on my college campus to get the dining services to start serving local food? I’m easily, EASILY, the smartest person at this organization, and I’m spending my time unjamming the copy machine and buying new art supplies for the squirrels and deer. There was one day I spent three hours hosting an in-service called “Keurig 101.” I felt like no one listened because to this day — TO THIS DAY — I am still showing Annette in HR how to turn the machine on.

I believe I was put on this world to help others, which is why I got into Crunching Leaves initially, and they promised that I would move up in the rankings, but it’s been A WHOLE YEAR and I’m still like, um, am I gonna get to mentor a rabbit soon?

Now, I want out. I’m jaded — if I can’t move up in this company within a year, then it’s never going to work out, and animal advocacy isn’t my calling. In fact, I think I’m done with nonprofits completely. Call me satan but I want some money and corporate purpose. Also, like, if I leave the nonprofit realm, I’ll just adopt a rescue dog or something.

Ok. Why are you looking for work with our company?

Honestly, this is the first thing that popped up when I searched “Entry jobs NYC office work 60k 9–5 no more no less, nice boss, catered lunch, something creative but low demand and employees who are my age and understand how the world works”. A few things came up, but this company stood out to me, because its mission: “We bring Millennials jobs involving GChat and holiday parties with photo booths and the fake mustache stick things.” How could I pass that up?

I looked a little bit more into the company and I’m thrilled to say that I think I’m a perfect match. I have a Spotify membership, I eat doughnuts on Saturday mornings, and I love love love love LOOOOOOOOVE my Twitter account.

So you are applying for the position of project coordinator — why do you think you’re a good fit?

Well, the qualifications included: incredibly easygoing to the point where you will not speak up about overtime pay and working on a holiday; insane sense of humor that clicks with all of our staff immediately upon looking at your headshot; ability to laugh at and/or hate everything about self; and passion for Tupperware. I don’t mean to brag, but all of those things are right up my ally — I’m a huge pushover! Also, since I went to a liberal arts school, where I was forced to have class discussions with students who were in different Greek organizations, I know about productive collaboration and teamwork, and especially the importance of diversity in the workplace.

I can tell this position calls for a ton of multitasking, which I rock at. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: I currently have four Chrome windows open, all of which have over 30 tabs. If that’s not multitasking, then I don’t know what kind of super-candidate would qualify for this position. Furthermore, in college, I went to class high a few times and managed to play it cool except that one time I called out a lacrosse bro for being ignorant about social welfare policies, he was one of them neo-liberal dudes, but I think I saved myself when I said, “Sorry — yeah, you’re totally right man, IDK WHAT I was thinking … it’s the gender speaking :)”

Ok. Can you tell us about a time you handled conflict?

Sure. So, in my current job, at Crunching Leaves, there were a couple times where the mail we sent out got returned because the zip code or something was off and I actually had to take the mail out of the envelope and make a whole new one. I know — I’m exhausted just talking about it. How did I handle this conflict? I made an announcement over the loud speaker, called for a last-minute, urgent all-staff meeting, ordered some coffee and bagels, and told everyone what I was about to do — I even made a quick lil PowerPoint. They were all very comfortable with my decision to re-mail, and because I communicated so appropriately, there were no conflicts.

Furthermore, at school, and I will remind you again that I was a geography major, and tell you about this insane conflict. There was one time we took a trip into the Adirondack Mountains — they’re like, in upstate New York and really cool. Oh, if you want to see them, my cover photo is me looking out into the mountains, such a good picture.

Anyway, our professor came with us and on the last night, around the bonfire, he started like, telling us about his personal life — we were all boozin’ a little bit because he was a “cool” prof who wore Birkenstocks and had a beard — but then he opened up a liiiiiitle bit too much. To the point where we were all shifting on our logs and being like, “uh oh”. He ended up passing out right there with his head between his knees, as he was telling us about the weight he carries on his shoulders from thinking about deforestation, redlining, and widespread issues regarding affordable housing and effective urban planning.

We scooped him up and cradled him to sleep in his Coleman sleeping bag — turns out he actually uses a Binkie, which is something we didn’t know until we found about 20 of them in his mess kit, so we didn’t have to call his emergency contact, the owner of his local North Face store. All of us worked together to save the day; he woke up in the morning chipper as ever, and no one ever said a thing.

Thanks. Any other questions?

No questions, just um, some statements? I want you guys to be chill with the fact that sometimes I’m super outspoken to the point where people will get uncomfortable, I don’t really respect my elders because what’s the point, and I’ll take a 2-hour lunch but act like it’s your fault when you bring it up. I get personally offended when colleagues underestimate my abilities and fail to take my ideas seriously, and I gossip in the workplace all the time. Finally, I’m average, a lazy learner, and have an understanding of deadlines that will allow me to think about fulfilling some expectations of this position. Overall, I’ll get stuff done, but don’t expect anything crazy because I LIVE for happy hour. Thank you! I am mildly enthused about the next steps, but if I don’t get it, whateva.